Trump, If President, Would Use Aladdin's Genie To Deliver On Campaign Promises

Genie, fed up with his new master, Donald Trump, turned the 
presidential hopeful into a cat after he wished for a huge wall
around New York City's Spanish Harlem to trap in the Mexicans.

Donald Trump, Republican front runner for the presidential nomination, claims to have acquired Aladdin's fabled magic lamp, and vows to use the three wishes granted to him by the lamp's all-powerful genie to deliver on his campaign promises, many of which have been lambasted by critics as nothing more than a pipe dream and more far-fetched than the idea of, well, an all-powerful genie.

"I ripped off a Muslim guy for it a few weeks ago," Trump said during a recent campaign rally, when asked how he could have possibly procured a priceless artifact that’s eluded generations of scholars and treasure hunters.

The presidential aspirant then digressed into an unprovoked, highly offensive rant against the Muslim people, calling them criminals, rapists and "war-mongering Allah lovers,” before making similar derogatory comments about the Chinese, South Koreans, Chileans, Scandinavians, French, Portuguese, Canadians and any other race he could think of off the top of his head, including the Dutch.

"That terrorist would've used the genie to acquire a nuclear warhead and blow us back to the time of Muhammad,” the billionaire entrepreneur said with characteristic machismo while using a healthy amount of duct tape to secure a toupee to his scalp. “And the Mexicans would've been involved somehow, I assure you.”

Sources have confirmed that the man in question is actually a law-abiding U.S. citizen whose only tie to extremism of any kind is the Extreme Nacho Platter from Chili's he indulges in on Saturdays. Further, he’s not even Muslim, just a white guy who got really tan during a recent trip to Punta Cana.

Trump says his newly acquired magic lamp should put to rest allegations that he wouldn't be able to follow through on many of the lofty promises he’s made to voters, such as construction of an unfathomably expensive wall along the U.S. border with Mexico, or the seemingly impossible task of deporting every single illegal immigrant in the country. 

Prior to acquiring the lamp, Trump had planned to secure additional funds for the border wall by traveling via magic carpet in lieu of using Air Force One, thereby cutting his travel budget. Through translators, the carpet indicated it would rather “get shit on by a stable full of horses” and “a bunch of puppies that hadn’t been house-trained” than have Mr. Trump’s “gigantic smelly ass” on his fabric.

"Look, guys, with an all-powerful genie, I can do anything. End the conflict in Syria, stop the violence incited by the world's drug cartels and terrorist networks, protect generations to come from the devastations wreaked by climate change, and eliminate human suffering of any kind," the real-estate mogul said, before winding up and punching an undocumented immigrant square in the face. "But I'm going to build a big, shiny new wall across Mexico instead."

"Maybe I'll even get that damn Obama to show us his real birth certificate once and for all," he added.

The presidential hopeful also called for the American people not to get too greedy and go asking for "a ton of other stuff," because he plans to use a wish to circumvent the democratic process and become president in the first place. 

Plus, he may use another to get his old, shriveled, wrinkly penis to finally work again. By press time, he hadn't quite made up his mind.