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| Treebeard, an Ent, works hard as he attempts to mix a customer's drink in less than 10 minutes. |
Philadelphia, PA -- Treebeard, an Ent hailing from Middle Earth’s Fangorn Forest, filed a suit today against the owner of Joe’s Pub for what he described as an unwarranted termination of employment from his job as a bartender. The 14-foot-tall tree herder, who is the oldest member of his race, claims that his termination stems not from his work ethic during his four months of employment, but from the bigotry of his boss, evidenced by disrespectful treatment and by the use of derogatory remarks aimed at Ents on a consistent basis.
“MYYYY BOSSSS WASSSS AAA HUUUGGGEEE D******CCCHHHEEE,” Treebeard said in the guttural growl inherent to the Ent species. “USSSEEDDD TOOO CAAALLL MEEEE AAA ‘KNNOOBBBYYY B*******TAAAARRRDDD’ ANNDDD WOOUUULLLDDD LIIGGGHHHTTT MYYY BRRAANNNCCCHHEESSS ONNN FIIIRRREEEE IFFFF III MEESSSSEEDDD UPPPP ANNN ORRRDDDEERRR. PLLUUSSSS, HEEEE SAAAIIIDDD III WAASSS SLLLOOOWWWEERRR THHAANNN HIIISSSS REEETTTAAARRRDDEEDDD SOOONNNN. VERRRYYYY DEEGGGRRADDDIINNNGGG STTUUFFF.”
“BUTTTT USSSS ENNNTTTSSS CANNN’TTT HEELLPPP ITTTT,” he continued. “WEEEE LIKKKEEEE TOOO TAAAKKKEEE OUUURRR TIIIMMMMEEE.”
Treebeard was available for additional comment, but unfortunately the Ent liaison conducting the interview fell asleep after enduring 15 minutes of drawn-out dialogue that only wielded three full sentences, and was therefore unable to offer any more insight into what Treebeard said.
Richard Lackey, the renowned Ent historian and author of several New York Times bestselling books, including Trees Have Feelings, Too and Ents and Elves and Nazgul, Oh My!, supports Treebeard’s assertion that this is a case of wrongful termination, with discrimination as the underlying motive. He claims that Ents are a cautious, patient race who operate with a sense of time suited much more to trees than to humans. Lackey argues that humans, who live a much faster-paced lifestyle due to their exponentially shorter lives than trees, should consequently be more understanding of the slowness of these tree people.
“While researching for my books, I came across the story of an Ent from the Second Age of Middle Earth named Maplehead who once took three whole days to drop a deuce,” Lackey said. “Imagine the kind of patience it takes to squat down for 72 hours while trying to take the Browns to the Superbowl. It’s impressive, to say the least.”
“The owner of Joe’s Pub was not sensitive to Treebeard’s sluggishness in this case,” he added. “He should have to pay through the nose for the blatant mistreatment of his employee.”
Frank Reese, the owner of the pub, stated that although this will be a tough case to win, he thinks he has a strong defense that will trump the accusations of the “leafy-headed freak.”
“Treebeard was singlehandedly destroying my business, and I had no choice but to let him go,” Reese said. “I’d try to help out by giving him shifts in the middle of the afternoon when business was the slowest and it seemed like five people would come in every hour. But there’d still be lines out the door because he took 20 minutes to pour each drink, and customers would get really pissed off. Not to mention there’d always be squirrels or birds nesting on his head and running around the bar, which violates I don’t know how many health sanctions.”
Despite having what he feels is a winning defense, Reese admits that the trial could prove to be too unbearable for him, and that he might settle with Treebeard just to avoid hearing his testimony.
“If I have to listen to that bark-brained s**thead ramble on for hours upon hours in that courtroom, I’m throwing in the towel,” he said. “I’ll dish out any kind of money if it would just get him to keep his big f***ing wooden mouth shut.”
