Ancient Egyptian Mummies Terrorize Capital as 'Book of the Dead' Tops Bestseller Lists

Authorities are becoming suspicious of the unidentified individual
 pictured above, who has been religiously attending every major book signing.

Cairo, Egypt -- As readership of new literary sensation the Book of the Dead has exploded in recent weeks, mass armies of the undead have risen from their tombs and made their way into major Egyptian urban areas, leaving a sea of destruction in their wake and leading many to label the phenomenon as the “11^th plague of Egypt.”

The Book of the Dead, an ancient Egyptian funerary text of magical spells intended to guide the deceased through the underworld and into the afterlife, has surged ahead of Fifty Shades of Grey to the number one spot atop the New York Times, USA Today, and Barnes and Noble bestseller lists, and even received an honorable mention from Oprah’s Book Club. Despite its recent success, however, readers of the book have inadvertently caused several-thousand-year-old mummified corpses to emerge from their sarcophagi and prey on humans, using their bodily organs to regenerate.

“Half of our population have had their vital organs consumed by undead mummies. They’re starting to become a bit of a nuisance,” Mohammed Mursi, the newly elected Egyptian president, said in a televised statement. “They’re sucking the flesh and intestines straight out of people like juice from a straw, breeding hordes of brainwashed minions to do their evil bidding and wandering aimlessly around the city, not to mention they smell worse than a cafeteria bathroom after an all-you-can-eat buffet of sloppy joes.”

“That being said, the Book of the Dead has changed my life,” Mursi added.  

The Book of the Dead, pictured here,
can unleash the powers of the
underworld upon the earth.
However, the book is "just so
goddamn good," people can't
help themselves.

Aside from a desire to return to their pre-mummified human forms, the creatures appear hell-bent on reviving mummy bombshell Anck-su-Namun, best known for her spreads in Hamunaptra’s annual “Best of the Dead” calendar, and glorified by most male cadavers as their one true love.

One mummy, so consumed by his love for the bandaged beauty, exclaimed, “AAARRRGGGG OOOOOOGGGG AANNNCCKK-SUUUU-NNAMMUNNN BBBBAAAAAAAAA,” which, according to an on-site translator, before his brains were sucked from his skull, means: “For a dead chick, Anch-su-Namun is a f*cking babe.  Let’s just say I’m ready to make woopie. ”

The burning passion to sleep with Anck-su-Namun has heightened an already dangerous situation, as people unable to produce details of Ms. Namun’s whereabouts become victims of violent frustration. In one particularly gruesome report, a mummy kneed a man square in the testicles, then, realizing he’d probably need a sex organ to “do the nasty” with Ms. Namun, ripped the man’s genitals from his body.

“Now some bandaged freak is hobbling around with my balls and shaft,” the victim, Mohammed el-Bariah, said. “My wife is going to kill me.”

The mummy infestation stems from book publishers, who, after “exhausting virtually every viable story idea we had,” according to one industry executive, turned to the Book of the Dead as a last resort. The book was an instant hit, making publishing companies mountains of cash as it sat atop bestseller lists for weeks, and prompting them to publish translations of the funerary text in virtually every language to take advantage of its seemingly universal appeal.

What looks like a mob of fans lined up for a Justin Bieber
 concert is actually hundreds of unruly Book of the Dead
 junkies waiting outside a book store to pick up their
pre-ordered copies.

“What can I say? It sells,” said another exec as the reporters around him were having their faces eaten off for regeneration. “We knew the risks, the worldwide calamities it would cause, yada yada yada … But you have to look at it from our perspective. We’re just trying to make a little money.”

Publishers have come under fire, however, to discontinue publication indefinitely as the death toll mounts. But industry moguls, emboldened by profits “larger than the Pharaoh’s army of Hebrew slaves,” are refusing, prompting the international community to promote the release of the golden Book of Amun-Ra, known as the “Book of the Living,” as a countermeasure.

Die-hard fans are outraged by the call to get rid of the Book of the Dead, and have been picketing outside major publishing houses day and night alongside several mummies who support their cause.  When asked what they liked about the book, the fans and mummies mindlessly chanted “Immmhoooteppp” before savagely murdering a team of reporters.

Imhotep, the primary beneficiary of the Book of the Dead’s recent surge in popularity, stated, “I couldn’t be happier with the way the book’s been flying off the shelves. This way, I can forge an undead army, bang Anck-Su-Namun, murder Rick O’Connell’s family, and rule the earth. I’m ecstatic!”

Dark Wizard Saruman Under Investigation for Foul Behavior at Child’s Birthday Party

In an act of pure rage, Saruman desperately tries to squeeze a fart
in a boy's face after he refused to pull his finger.

Piedmont, ND -- Saruman the White, the wizard of Isengard notorious for his dealings with former dark lord Sauron, the destruction of Fangorn Forest and the breeding of mass armies of Uruk-hai, has come under intense scrutiny and criticism following his recent outburst at a child’s birthday party.

The infamous wizard, who was left unemployed after the Great Eye’s downfall and flooding of his kingdom by an army of Ents, and who subsequently resorted to renting out his wizarding services and performing mundane magic tricks for various parties, lashed out at a six-year-old girl for a seemingly innocent comment made during a performance earlier this week.

“After Saruman failed to guess little Suzie’s card for the third time in a row, she said Gandalf could get it in one try,” Molly Ericson, the girl’s mother, explained. “He freaked the f*** out. He summoned a cave troll to eat all of the other children at the party and called Ringwraiths to Suzie’s bedroom to stab her favorite stuffed animals with a Morgul blade.”

“The d***head even blew out her birthday candles and then smashed the piñata in the front yard for good measure,” added Rufus Dinn, the girl’s uncle. “Needless to say, that’s the last dark wizard we’ll ever use as entertainment.”

The Out of Work Wizards Association (OWWA), a national organization helping unemployed wizards find full- and part-time jobs, and which landed Saruman his newest gig as party entertainer, has launched an investigation of the incident to determine if his entertaining license should be revoked.

“Unfortunately, this is not an isolated circumstance,” said OWWA president Stanley Brent. “We’ve received complaints about Saruman before. At a boy’s Bar Mitzvah celebration this past year, he brought out a bucket of white paint and started branding the children with the White Hand of Saruman, later claiming it was only face paint.”

He then stood on stage and yelled, “You do not know pain, you do not know fear. You will taste man flesh!” before preparing to reveal the dark secrets behind a Chinese finger trap.

“It was disturbing and rather off color,” Brent continued.

One witness, traumatized by Saruman’s actions at a Halloween party this past October, described how after wowing the crowd with a particularly well-executed balloon animal, the wizard boasted about his past evil accomplishments, saying if the crowd thought the balloon was impressive, they would’ve really loved seeing the 10,000-strong army of Uruk-hai he bred to assault the Rohirrim fortress of Helm’s Deep and wipe the race of men from Middle Earth.

OWWA has placed Saruman on probation for his actions, and based on the investigation’s findings he could be permanently barred from ever entertaining at parties again. Regardless of what the probe uncovers, the recent accusations have stained what has otherwise been an untarnished record of successful placements by OWWA, which has helped several of today’s most celebrated wizards achieve their fame. 

One such wizard, Gandalf the Grey, was a plumber in Mordor before finding his recent gig as protector of Middle Earth and becoming an overnight wizard sensation.

Fearing he may lose his entertainment
license, Saruman auditions for renowned
Middle Earth boy band N'Mordor,
claiming he can be the "grungy
drug addict" in the group. 

“OWWA made me what I am today,” Gandalf said. “I owe the organization enormously, because without them, I may still be scrubbing troll poo off bathroom floors instead of helping to vanquish mass armies of darkness. And now that major a-hole Saruman has smeared their name worse than any troll’s skid mark.”

Brent has tried to remain optimistic about the situation, but as news of Saruman’s outburst spreads nationally, witnesses continue to pour in with new incriminating information.

“It doesn’t look good,” Brent said of the investigation. “I have to hear testimony from a man later about a supposed streaking incident when Saruman tried giving a live demonstration of how Uruk-hai are born.”

Even with piles of evidence gathering against Saruman by the day, the Top Five Ugliest Men of the Year nominee and current Viagra spokesman staunchly advocates that he should be allowed to keep his entertaining license, demanding that people be more tolerant of his situation.

“How would you react if you failed to acquire the Ring of Power and subjugate all of Middle Earth to your will and domination? I’ll give you the answer – pretty f***ing terrible,” Saruman said in defense of his recent actions, while simultaneously gazing into his seeing-stone to ascertain whether he might have a better career as an underwear model. “I have the power to bring down mountains and see the events of the future, and yet all these little sh**s want is to see me pull a rabbit out of a hat. So excuse me if I get a little upset.”