Wookiee kills ‘Bar Rescue’ star Jon Taffer after abysmal cantina revamp

Jon Taffer (pictured above) has a minor stroke while 
observing a Sith Lord urinating in the corner of the bar.

TATOOINE -- Jon Taffer, star of the hit reality television show “Bar Rescue,” along with his entire crew, met their untimely demise Sunday evening at the hands of a Wookiee bar owner outraged by upgrades Taffer had made to his establishment on the planet Tatooine.

Chalmun, the cantina’s proprietor, had been repulsed by the makeover of the Mos Eisley Cantina, a dive bar once known for its wretched hive of space scum, into an upscale wine bar called the Tatooine Sapphire.

“After seeing the new sets of silk designer sofas, mahogany book shelves, wall-mounted wine racks, and all this other rustic horseshit, I was angrier than Luke Skywalker when he found out he couldn’t bang Leia,” the Wookiee said through an interpreter.

Immediately following the remodeling, Chalmun shuttled the bar consultant and his team into the desert in a landspeeder and forced them one by one into a gigantic sarlaac pit.

“In hindsight, it may have been a slight overreaction,” he continued. “I could have just shot him in the back with my blaster rifle.”

Cantina patrons watch in awe as 
Taffer reprimands the bar staff.

Strangely, Taffer seemed to have utterly no concern for his impending doom, eyewitnesses say. 

Rather, he was reportedly so intensely focused on berating Chalmun with an endless stream of insults degrading his ability as a bar owner and his failures as a Wookiee, husband, and friend, that he didn’t notice the massive squid-like creature preparing to eat him.

“This is ridiculous!” Taffer continued to scream, eyes bulging from his enormous head, as he fell into the monster’s gaping mouth. “I’m not sure what’s worse—your bar or your attitude!”

Taffer, renowned for his ability to save failing bars around the country from closing, had believed the Mos Eisley Cantina would be his most daring turnaround yet. The Tatooine establishment is famed among intergalactic mixologists as the place legendary Jedi masters Luke Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi first met the smuggler Han Solo. It is perhaps known more importantly as the bar where Darth Vader got his first “dry handy” in the bathroom stall.

Despite its historical significance, the bar was running a steep $300,000 debt and, compounding the problem, Jedi patrons were frequently scamming free drinks, using ancient mind-trick techniques to tell bartenders, “That’s not the Natty I’m paying for.”

Even the one night Taffer ran reconnaissance on the bar to get an inside look at operations, things spun out of control when a brawl broke out between a bachelorette party and several patrons, reaching its climax when the bride-to-be hurled a thermal detonator at a group of Ewoks.

That same evening, a belligerently drunk Jar Jar Binks continually shouted “Meesa wanta Olde English!” while attempting to play “Semi-Charmed Life” on the juke box for the fourth time of the night, and the bar’s Rancor bouncer tried to eat Admiral Ackbar in an attempt to get him to stop grinding on innocent bystanders while yelling, “It’s a trap!”

Even worse – two Stormtroopers never received their quesadilla order.

Despite all that, Taffer and his staff had recognized an opportunity.

“All this place serves is Keystone Ice,” BB-2Y8, a professional droid mixologist whom Taffer had brought on board for staff training, beeped at the bar owner. “You must understand that surrounding species like the Hutts, who are renowned wine lovers, have a huge presence in this star system. We need to offer a menu with sophisticated food options and organic drinks with subtle, oaky aftertastes.”

BB-2Y8 had also introduced a new drink called the “Jabba the Hot Toddy” to round out the drink menu, and Tom Stevenson, a New York City master chef, developed several different tapas-style dishes and cheese board recipes for the food menu.

Both experts are now dead.

After abandoning the alterations and murdering Taffer, the Wookie bar owner is reportedly happier than he’s been in years.