Uruk-Hai Renounces Way of Life, Begins Work at Local Child Adoption Center



Hank, an Uruk-Hai, overcome with joy while playing with a child at Adopt-A-Kid.

New York, NY -- Adopt-A-Kid, a child adoption center in Brooklyn, NY, shocked the public this week upon the hire of an Uruk-Hai who recently renounced his devotion to Sauron and the conquest of Middle Earth.

“Ever since I was pulled out of the mud, I knew I was different,” said the Uruk Hai, who now prefers to go by his human name, Hank. “All that talk of killing Halflings really put me off. Plus, I was constantly ridiculed for not wanting to eat maggoty bread. I finally tendered my resignation to the Eye of Sauron and left Mordor for good in search of a better life.”

Hank’s search brought him all the way to Brooklyn, where he went door to door to find available employment opportunities.

“I’d always heard that New York is a city of opportunity,” Hank said. “But I was turned away from every store, sometimes rather harshly. I recall a lot of horrified screams and shouts of ‘Out of my store, ugly!’ Some people even condemned me for kidnapping Merry and Pippin. I was about ready to give up.”

Going to Adopt-A-Kid was a big turning point in the Uruk-Hai’s quest to find employment. Meredith Morningside, the adoption center’s Head of Operations, let him into the building, an improvement from prior experiences, and granted him an interview.

 “I must admit, I was hesitant to offer him the job at first merely for the sake of the children’s safety,” Morningside said. “When someone lists ‘Manflesh’ as an interest and ‘Devoted servant of Sauron’ as a prior job description on his resume, it’s a little off-putting. But he was such a sweetie when I interviewed him that I knew we just had to make him a part of the team.”

Marcus Bigcat, the center’s cafeteria worker, shares Morningside’s enthusiasm about their newest addition to the staff.

“The children absolutely love him,” Bigcat said. “They think he’s some sort of clown due to the face paint and funny costume. Little do they know that the face paint is actually the White Hand of Saruman and that his loincloth and armor are just a part of his daily wardrobe.”

Despite the staff’s warm welcome, outsiders view an Uruk-Hai as a threat to the orphaned children and are calling for Hank’s swift termination and expulsion from the community.

“We have to remember that this guy willingly did the Great Eye’s bidding for years and years before coming here,” said Gimli, a dwarf from Middle Earth who also recently moved to Brooklyn. “I’ve fought against these guys in the past, and let me tell you, they suck. Bad-tempered, evil ogres, the lot of them. Plus they smell like horse manure. I can only imagine what those poor children at Adopt-A-Kid will have to endure while that brute is there.”

While there is strong criticism against Hank’s employment at Adopt-A-Kid, proponents note the dramatic increase in the center’s adoption rate as a result of his addition to the staff, saying that more orphans are now finding loving families to care for them.

Brittany Forrester is one such mother who adopted a six-year-old girl from Adopt-A-Kid upon hearing that an Uruk-Hai was now working for the center.

“My husband and I had been talking about the possibility of adoption, although not too seriously,” Forrester said. “But once we found out that monster was going to be around those poor children, our disposition completely changed. We knew we had a duty to save at least one of them from that minion of Mordor.”

Even in the midst of this controversy, however, Hank still retains a positive attitude.

“I never had a father, seeing that I was pulled out of the mud at birth and all,” he said. “I know the pain that comes with a parent-less life. I’m happy to avoid eating these children and am ready to do my part to make their lives a little brighter.”

Black Eyed Peas Blame Imperius Curse for Poor Super Bowl Halftime Performance

The Black Eyed Peas under the influence of dark magic.

Arlington, TX -- After a week of harsh criticism from fans and critics alike, the Black Eyed Peas are now blaming their poor performance on professional football’s greatest stage on dark magic. The renowned hip-hop group of the Muggle world claims to have been under the Imperius Curse, one of the three Unforgivable Curses which places the victim under complete control of the spell caster.

“It had to have been the Imperius Curse, it just had to,” Fergie said. “There’s just no other logical explanation. I typically sing really well. But when I sang ‘Sweet Child of Mine’ I felt like Ke$ha trying to sing anything. Fingernails on a blackboard kind of stuff. Plus, why would I willingly rub my body all over Slash onstage in front of millions of people? That so wouldn’t be Fergalicious.”

Black Eyed Peas member will.i.am seemed equally upset with the Tron-themed performance.

“As a self-respecting musician, why would I wear a plastic hairpiece without having been forced to do so?” he asked. “The Imperius Curse is the only explanation.”

Although authorities have not yet identified the perpetrator, they suspect Draco Malfoy to be the mastermind behind the whole affair. Shortly after graduating from Hogwarts, Malfoy and a group of Slytherin colleagues, including his cronies Crabbe and Goyle, decided to try their luck in the recording industry, creating a boy band called the Parseltongue Posse with Malfoy as the group’s front man. Critics regard the band as one of the worst in history due to lackluster vocal skills of group members and incomprehensible lyrics, sung only in Parseltongue (the language of the serpents), which leave many in the awkward position of having to guess at the meaning of the songs.

Draco Malfoy serenading
himself in a garden.

“They claim to draw their musical inspiration from Savage Garden,” one critic said. “I think that basically says it all.”

Despite universal criticism of the Parseltongue Posse, the group was a contender for the Super Bowl halftime slot this year. It was thought that a Death-Eater boy band would draw a record number of viewers and that the show couldn’t possibly be any worse than The Who’s performance last year. However, the halftime bid eventually went to the Black Eyed Peas.

“Fergie has sex appeal,” a spokesman for the NFL said. “Unfortunately for Malfoy, he got slapped by the ugly stick. Plus, he helped kill Dumbledore, and that’s f***ed up. The sad truth is that if you’re going to be the leader of a boy band, especially one that’s playing at the Super Bowl halftime show, you have to be good-looking. Look at Justin Timberlake and Nick Carter. They were hunks.”

Malfoy reportedly lashed out violently upon hearing that the Parseltongue Posse lost out to the Black Eyed Peas, casting spells aimlessly around a group of girl scouts trying to sell macaroons to fund their trip to Space Camp, the result of which was the gluing of one girl’s face to her buttocks. His violent reaction to the news gives authorities reason to suspect him for casting the Imperius Curse to adversely affect Fergie and company.

“Sure I may not have reacted in the best manner possible,” Malfoy said as he gelled his Mohawk before a benefit concert at a local Chili’s. “But I love the Black Eyed Peas. ‘Where Is the Love’ is my second most-played song on iTunes, behind Savage Garden’s ‘Truly Madly Deeply.’ I would never use the Imperius Curse against them.”

The criminal behind the Imperius Curse, whether Malfoy or not, is sure to face some serious jail time. The punishment for the use of the Imperius Curse against another human earns the perpetrator a life sentence in the wizard prison Azkaban, according to Ministry of Magic doctrine.

“It’s a particularly nasty curse,” a Dementor at Azkaban commented as he reclined in a lawn chair and sucked the soul out of an unsuspecting prisoner. “You’d have to be a real douche to use it. The most recent incident I can think of involving the Imperius Curse and Muggle celebrities is when it was used on Lance Bass to make him come out of the closet.” 

While authorities seem to be building a strong case against Malfoy, they still aren’t convinced of the veracity of the Imperius Curse explanation. The celebrated Muggle musician Usher claims that he didn’t feel the effects of any spell while onstage, leaving some to claim that the Black Eyed Peas used dark magic as an excuse to cover up their lack of talent. If this were found to be the case, it would certainly be as anti-Fergalicious as rubbing oneself on Slash, as Fergie put it.  

Darth Vader Retires, Moves to Florida

 

Darth Vader enjoys retirement with his
fourteenth Heineken of the afternoon.

Palm Springs, FL -- Darth Vader, the former Sith Lord of the Galactic Empire, announced his retirement from the International House of Pancakes last week at the age of 62. The longtime manager is now residing at a secluded retirement community in Florida.

“It was a good run, but I felt it was time,” Vader said between sips of his peppermint schnapps as he sunbathed by the pool. “Pancakes are a thing of the past. I’m ready to live it up.”

Vader says that he’ll take advantage of his retirement to do all of the things he missed out on while in the working world, such as shuffleboard and water aerobics. 

“Working on my tan is my number one priority, though,” Vader said as he adjusted his Speedo. “The one thing I regret about my years on the Dark Side is wearing that black Imperial armor all the time. I know it’s a good tool of intimidation and a symbol of power and all that hogwash, but a man can get really pasty under a suit like that.”

Lord Vader strolls along the
sandy beaches of Palm Springs.

Some residents of Golden Prunes, the retirement community where Vader now lives, welcome the idea of having a Sith Lord in their community.

“It’s the most exciting thing that’s happened to me since they added creamed corn to the menu last week,” said Leonard Ruffleburger, an 88-year-old community member.

It’s clear that others, however, don’t share the same optimism for Vader’s presence.

“He asked me to apply suntan lotion to his back at the pool one day and I refused,” said Ruth Barnswallow, another resident of Golden Prunes.  “He held up his hand and started using the Force to choke me from about fifteen feet away. I thought I was going the way of the Dodo! And afterwards all he could do was laugh about it. Needless to say, I’m never inviting him over for apple strudel.”

After the fall of the Galactic Empire, which toppled Vader’s regime, he fell into obscurity, borrowing Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak in an attempt to escape the public eye. His retirement marks the first time he’s been a major topic of conversation since he tried to seize control of a local Veterans of Foreign Wars (VFW) headquarters building almost fifteen years ago. His lightsaber skills had drastically worsened due to lack of practice after the fall of his empire, so the senior citizens were able to hold their ground. He was hospitalized after being caned to within an inch of his life.

“He didn’t know who he was anymore,” Jabba the Hutt, Vader’s friend and official biographer, said while feeding one of his publishers to the Rancor Beast. “He lost his identity as a Sith Lord after his reign ended. He tried to reinvent himself, but after all those years he just couldn’t quench his thirst for domination, hence the VFW fiasco.”

Vader seemed to adopt a peaceful civilian life after his cane wounds healed. He shuffled from job to job for a while, first as an elementary school custodian and then as a flight attendant for Jet Blue before finally settling in at his most recent job as a manager at IHOP.

“You’d be surprised how many small children and airline passengers have problems with a man wearing a black imperial suit,” Vader said with tear-filled eyes. “There were so many complaints that I had to step down. What I truly desired anyway was a seat of real power, but most recruiters really don’t offer many important positions to applicants who have slain Jedi Knights and wielded tyrannical power. IHOP was the only place that gave me a chance to shine.”

There have been many ups and downs in Vader’s life, but he’s excited to begin this new saga of his life as a retired man and put the past behind him.

“I’m trading in my lightsaber for a beach ball and a brewski,” Vader said. “And I couldn’t be more psyched.”

Harry Potter Fired for Sexual Harassment of Coworker

London, UK -- Harry Potter, the internationally acclaimed wizard best known for his defeat of the infamous Lord Voldemort, was fired this morning from his mailroom job at a large meatpacking company due to sexual harassment of a female coworker.

“It was awful, really traumatizing,” the woman, who wished to remain anonymous, said of Potter’s advances. “We were in the middle of packaging a big shipment of boar heads for distribution, and then all of a sudden he got really close and whispered into my ear, ‘Touch my Nimbus 2000.’”

These sexual harassment allegations are apparently only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to Potter’s corporate misdemeanors.

“We’ve had a lot of problems with him in the past,” said Yoda, a spokesman for the company, as he used the Force to apply an Olay anti-wrinkle cream to his green face. “Enough is enough already. He may be the reigning Triwizard champion, but the guy’s a total creep.”

There have been two other incidents involving Potter and sexual harassment around the office in the past, as well as one isolated incident in which Potter was caught trying to stuff Hedwig, his pet owl, down his pants, Yoda added. He refused to provide specifics about these separate incidents, but did say that the only reason Potter was allowed to stay with the company for so long was due to his continuous defeats of the Dark Lord.  

“Everyone thought he might change for the better, but that bugger’s got some serious issues,” a Stormtrooper who worked with Potter in the mailroom said as he brandished his imperial laser gun. “He was always ranting about how his scar burned and that Voldemort was back to kill him. But the idiot’s work station was right under a heat lamp we use to keep the mailroom warm. He’s bonkers! Plus, he reeked of stale butter beer.”

Members of the wizard community are particularly troubled by the news of Potter’s sexual deviancy.

“He used to be a symbol of hope in the fight against evil, a beacon of light shining through the darkness of our times” said Albus Dumbledore, the former Hogwarts headmaster and mentor of Potter who now resides at a nudist colony in Scotland. “Come to find out the bloke’s just a pervert with a lightning-shaped scar looking for a little slap and tickle.”

While many feel as if Potter has let them down, those close to him claim that his recent behavior didn’t surprise them.

“I guess there have been hints,” said Hermione Granger, one of Potter’s closest friends. “He told me one time that I’d make a good Seeker on the Quidditch team because he supposed I’d be good at handling the balls. I didn’t really think anything of it at the time. In hindsight, he’s a sick f***.”

Severus Snape, Potter’s former Potions professor who currently holds a post as a traffic cop in London, felt that this was a long time coming.

“Potter’s never had any regard for the rules,” Snape said while firing an Unforgivable Curse at a parking violator. “He’s always been a little ass monkey.”

Whether there were past indications or not, what is clear is that this news couldn’t come at a worse time for the wizarding community, which has had to endure harsh criticisms after it was revealed last week that Hogwarts, thought to be an elite school of witchcraft and wizardry, is actually a massive drug factory at the center of England’s drug distribution network, labeled by many as the worst scandal since the Hippogriff Extermination of 1989.

Potter’s termination brought his eight-year employment with the company to an end. In that time period, Potter was never promoted or given a pay raise due to his disorderly conduct.

It’s rumored that Potter is attempting to flee to Mexico to avoid any public backlash for his actions, where he intends to use his bullfighting skills to make a decent living.