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The Eye of Sauron stares at what he believes to be a unicorn. If you look
closely, however, you'll notice that it is actually Mount Doom. |
Wellington, New Zealand -- An optometrist was rushed to the hospital earlier this afternoon after sustaining third degree burns from the Eye of Sauron during a routine eye examination. The eye doctor, who is in critical condition, is the most recent of the Great Eye’s burn victims, joining a list of 23 optometrists who have suffered a similar fate.
The Dark Lord’s vision was deemed to be “almost as bad as Stevie Wonder’s” by several doctors after he failed to identify a single correct letter during his most recent eye test. He has been desperately searching for a remedy to his poor eyesight ever since he mistook a Grizzly bear for Frodo Baggins, a hobbit for whom Sauron has been hunting tirelessly in his quest to recover the Ring of Power.
“He said ‘I see you, Frodo. You cannot contend with the might of both Sauron and Saruman,’ and yada, yada, yada in his typical ominous-sounding voice, but he was talking to a f***ing bear,” one orc revealed while shaking his head in shame. “Needless to say, it was pretty embarrassing. The guy’s an enormous eye claiming to be able to see most everything that happens in Middle Earth, but he's blinder than Helen Keller.”
Optometrists have been working around the clock to help correct Sauron’s vision. They’ve assessed that eyeglasses are an impossible solution due to the absence of ears to hold them in place, and that laser correction surgery is out of the question due to Sauron’s fear of bright lights. Contact lenses are, therefore, the only viable option. Little progress has been made, however, mainly due to the fact that the patient is a “giant f***ing fireball,” as one doctor put it.
“We’re making slow work of it,” said Stanley Pupil, an optometrist who specializes in patients with grossly oversized eyeballs. “We run the risk of burning alive if we’re within 50 feet of the Eye, so that complicates things. Then, of course, if we actually succeed in getting the contact lens in, it immediately dries up due to the extreme heat, and Sauron starts bitching about how the dry lens is irritating his eye. For an omniscient force of evil that has control over vast armies of darkness, he can be a major sissy.”
The Great Eye's immobility, due to its permanent fixture on the Tower of Barad-dur, creates further problems for doctors because they must trek hundreds of miles over rough, orc-infested terrain for appointments.
“The commute is terrible,” said optometrist Roy Larkin, who recently had his hand burnt off while trying to apply Saline solution to Sauron's contact lens. “Once they drive through the Dead Marshes, doctors are either hacked to death by orcs, eaten by cave trolls, harassed by the Nazgul, or burnt in the fires of Mount Doom.”
“The sad truth is that we may never be able to correct his vision,” he added. “This is a rare case. Everything we do seems to be useless. The only thing we can do is to keep working, even if it means losing our entire staff.”
