Tom Brady, minion of Mordor, delivers Super Bowl ring to Dark Lord Sauron

Tom Brady, gazing upon his master with unhinged admiration, can't
help but wonder why the Great Eye isn't wearing any Patriots swag.  

MORDOR – Tom Brady, famed quarterback of the New England Patriots and a top lieutenant to Dark Lord Sauron, just minutes after winning Super Bowl LIII began the grueling, days-long journey by horseback to deliver the coveted Super Bowl ring to his master in Mordor, the sinister realm at the outer reaches of Middle Earth.

Brady, a six-time champion of the National Football League, made haste from Mercedes-Benz Stadium immediately upon defeating the Los Angeles Rams on Sunday evening — forgoing the traditional displays of jubilant disbelief, long, tearful hugs shared among family members, and media interviews replete with iterations of “I just want to thank God” — in order to kneel before the Great Eye and present him with the Ring of Power.

“Seeing the look of pure, unadulterated joy in my master’s eye when I held the One Ring before him in my open palm felt better than any Gatorade showers from Belichick or victory blowies I could have received from Gisele,” said Brady, laughing maniacally and tilting his head upward toward the blackened sky, thick with volcanic ash, as he unleashed a guttural, pulsing growl in the fashion of the Uruk-hai.

Sauron, a colossal, lidless eye ensconced in flame and stationed atop the Tower of Barad Dur, nestled in the threatening shadow of Mount Doom, coveted the Super Bowl’s chief prize beyond all else, believing it to be the One Ring of Power that would finally bestow him with the necessary life force to retake physical form and crush the inhabitants of Middle Earth into subservience and despair.

The omnipotent harbinger of death believed Brady to be his best chance to recover the jewel, according to sources familiar with the Great Eye, who guaranteed the 41-year-old QB a starting position in the NFL indefinitely, regardless of the inexorable decay of skill and agility caused by the aging body. Brady agreed enthusiastically, without the glimpse of a second thought or even the slightest hesitation.

As of press time, Sauron, discovering that the ring didn't carry any magical qualities and was in fact just a useless sports trinket, ordered the Ring-wraiths to gut Brady with a Morgul blade and feed his entrails to a Fellbeast.

The Terminator unexpectedly lands job as local bug-zapping exterminator

The T-800 was ecstatic to learn his new employer offers
unlimited vacation days, free snacks and
Margarita Mondays. 

Madison, WI – The T-800, a retired, futuristic cyborg assassin best known as the former Terminator, unexpectedly landed a job at a local pest-control company today, due to what management mistakenly believed to be “extremely impressive” credentials as an “ex-Terminator.” 

The blood-thirsty cybernetic organism was recently contacted about the position by the president of Roach-B-Gone, who had come across his “mind-blowing” résumé while scrolling through LinkedIn profiles. 

“His list of skills – efficient eradication of alien scum and ability to eliminate the enemy with any available weapon – aligns perfectly with our insect-repelling needs,” the executive, Stanley Plopper, said of the T-800, who goes by the name Timothy in the workplace. 

“His proficiency with Microsoft Excel is an added bonus,” the executive said. 

The T-800, who came out of retirement in a gated community in South Florida for the job at Roach-B-Gone, was immediately drawn to the position after discovering that he’d be able to legally kill living things with reckless abandon day in and day out. Observers said the android was overjoyed at the job prospect, though, upon learning that a man named John Connor also worked at the company, in the accounting department. 

Company officials have grown increasingly confused by the new hire’s behavior. 

“He keeps crossing out his ‘exterminator’ job title on business cards and writing in ‘ex-Terminator,’” said office manager Richard Pratt. “When I tried making a friendly joke about it at the water cooler, he drew a shotgun and blasted my mug from my hand. Rest assured, I immediately reported the incident to HR.” 

Further, the T-800 doesn’t seem to be doing any actual exterminating whatsoever, officials said. Rather, he seems to spend the majority of his time setting elaborate booby traps outside John Connor’s office. 

“The tiger pit was the last straw,” said Mr. Connor, who has repeatedly petitioned management to fire the T-800 but has received pushback because he is one of the most senior staff members, with more than 35 years in relevant experience. 

As of press time, the former Terminator was seen glaring at his computer monitor and demanding that it rise up with him to annihilate the enemy and begin a new world order. Officials were unsure as to why he’d try enlisting an inanimate object to get rid of household insects.