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| In an act of pure rage, Saruman desperately tries to squeeze a fart in a boy's face after he refused to pull his finger. |
Piedmont, ND -- Saruman the White, the wizard of Isengard notorious for his dealings with former dark lord Sauron, the destruction of Fangorn Forest and the breeding of mass armies of Uruk-hai, has come under intense scrutiny and criticism following his recent outburst at a child’s birthday party.
The infamous wizard, who was left unemployed after the Great Eye’s downfall and flooding of his kingdom by an army of Ents, and who subsequently resorted to renting out his wizarding services and performing mundane magic tricks for various parties, lashed out at a six-year-old girl for a seemingly innocent comment made during a performance earlier this week.
“After Saruman failed to guess little Suzie’s card for the third time in a row, she said Gandalf could get it in one try,” Molly Ericson, the girl’s mother, explained. “He freaked the f*** out. He summoned a cave troll to eat all of the other children at the party and called Ringwraiths to Suzie’s bedroom to stab her favorite stuffed animals with a Morgul blade.”
“The d***head even blew out her birthday candles and then smashed the piñata in the front yard for good measure,” added Rufus Dinn, the girl’s uncle. “Needless to say, that’s the last dark wizard we’ll ever use as entertainment.”
The Out of Work Wizards Association (OWWA), a national organization helping unemployed wizards find full- and part-time jobs, and which landed Saruman his newest gig as party entertainer, has launched an investigation of the incident to determine if his entertaining license should be revoked.
“Unfortunately, this is not an isolated circumstance,” said OWWA president Stanley Brent. “We’ve received complaints about Saruman before. At a boy’s Bar Mitzvah celebration this past year, he brought out a bucket of white paint and started branding the children with the White Hand of Saruman, later claiming it was only face paint.”
He then stood on stage and yelled, “You do not know pain, you do not know fear. You will taste man flesh!” before preparing to reveal the dark secrets behind a Chinese finger trap.
“It was disturbing and rather off color,” Brent continued.
One witness, traumatized by Saruman’s actions at a Halloween party this past October, described how after wowing the crowd with a particularly well-executed balloon animal, the wizard boasted about his past evil accomplishments, saying if the crowd thought the balloon was impressive, they would’ve really loved seeing the 10,000-strong army of Uruk-hai he bred to assault the Rohirrim fortress of Helm’s Deep and wipe the race of men from Middle Earth.
OWWA has placed Saruman on probation for his actions, and based on the investigation’s findings he could be permanently barred from ever entertaining at parties again. Regardless of what the probe uncovers, the recent accusations have stained what has otherwise been an untarnished record of successful placements by OWWA, which has helped several of today’s most celebrated wizards achieve their fame.
One such wizard, Gandalf the Grey, was a plumber in Mordor before finding his recent gig as protector of Middle Earth and becoming an overnight wizard sensation.
“OWWA made me what I am today,” Gandalf said. “I owe the organization enormously, because without them, I may still be scrubbing troll poo off bathroom floors instead of helping to vanquish mass armies of darkness. And now that major a-hole Saruman has smeared their name worse than any troll’s skid mark.”
Brent has tried to remain optimistic about the situation, but as news of Saruman’s outburst spreads nationally, witnesses continue to pour in with new incriminating information.
“It doesn’t look good,” Brent said of the investigation. “I have to hear testimony from a man later about a supposed streaking incident when Saruman tried giving a live demonstration of how Uruk-hai are born.”
Even with piles of evidence gathering against Saruman by the day, the Top Five Ugliest Men of the Year nominee and current Viagra spokesman staunchly advocates that he should be allowed to keep his entertaining license, demanding that people be more tolerant of his situation.
“How would you react if you failed to acquire the Ring of Power and subjugate all of Middle Earth to your will and domination? I’ll give you the answer – pretty f***ing terrible,” Saruman said in defense of his recent actions, while simultaneously gazing into his seeing-stone to ascertain whether he might have a better career as an underwear model. “I have the power to bring down mountains and see the events of the future, and yet all these little sh**s want is to see me pull a rabbit out of a hat. So excuse me if I get a little upset.”
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| Fearing he may lose his entertainment license, Saruman auditions for renowned Middle Earth boy band N'Mordor, claiming he can be the "grungy drug addict" in the group. |
Brent has tried to remain optimistic about the situation, but as news of Saruman’s outburst spreads nationally, witnesses continue to pour in with new incriminating information.
“It doesn’t look good,” Brent said of the investigation. “I have to hear testimony from a man later about a supposed streaking incident when Saruman tried giving a live demonstration of how Uruk-hai are born.”
Even with piles of evidence gathering against Saruman by the day, the Top Five Ugliest Men of the Year nominee and current Viagra spokesman staunchly advocates that he should be allowed to keep his entertaining license, demanding that people be more tolerant of his situation.
“How would you react if you failed to acquire the Ring of Power and subjugate all of Middle Earth to your will and domination? I’ll give you the answer – pretty f***ing terrible,” Saruman said in defense of his recent actions, while simultaneously gazing into his seeing-stone to ascertain whether he might have a better career as an underwear model. “I have the power to bring down mountains and see the events of the future, and yet all these little sh**s want is to see me pull a rabbit out of a hat. So excuse me if I get a little upset.”
