Treebeard Sues Employer for Wrongful Termination

Treebeard, an Ent, works hard as he attempts to mix
a customer's drink in less than 10 minutes.

Philadelphia, PA -- Treebeard, an Ent hailing from Middle Earth’s Fangorn Forest, filed a suit today against the owner of Joe’s Pub for what he described as an unwarranted termination of employment from his job as a bartender. The 14-foot-tall tree herder, who is the oldest member of his race, claims that his termination stems not from his work ethic during his four months of employment, but from the bigotry of his boss, evidenced by disrespectful treatment and by the use of derogatory remarks aimed at Ents on a consistent basis.

“MYYYY BOSSSS WASSSS AAA HUUUGGGEEE D******CCCHHHEEE,” Treebeard said in the guttural growl inherent to the Ent species. “USSSEEDDD TOOO CAAALLL MEEEE AAA ‘KNNOOBBBYYY B*******TAAAARRRDDD’ ANNDDD WOOUUULLLDDD LIIGGGHHHTTT MYYY BRRAANNNCCCHHEESSS ONNN FIIIRRREEEE IFFFF III MEESSSSEEDDD UPPPP ANNN ORRRDDDEERRR. PLLUUSSSS, HEEEE SAAAIIIDDD III WAASSS SLLLOOOWWWEERRR THHAANNN HIIISSSS REEETTTAAARRRDDEEDDD SOOONNNN. VERRRYYYY DEEGGGRRADDDIINNNGGG STTUUFFF.”

“BUTTTT USSSS ENNNTTTSSS CANNN’TTT HEELLPPP ITTTT,” he continued. “WEEEE LIKKKEEEE TOOO TAAAKKKEEE OUUURRR TIIIMMMMEEE.”

Treebeard was available for additional comment, but unfortunately the Ent liaison conducting the interview fell asleep after enduring 15 minutes of drawn-out dialogue that only wielded three full sentences, and was therefore unable to offer any more insight into what Treebeard said.

Richard Lackey, the renowned Ent historian and author of several New York Times bestselling books, including Trees Have Feelings, Too and Ents and Elves and Nazgul, Oh My!, supports Treebeard’s assertion that this is a case of wrongful termination, with discrimination as the underlying motive. He claims that Ents are a cautious, patient race who operate with a sense of time suited much more to trees than to humans. Lackey argues that humans, who live a much faster-paced lifestyle due to their exponentially shorter lives than trees, should consequently be more understanding of the slowness of these tree people.

“While researching for my books, I came across the story of an Ent from the Second Age of Middle Earth named Maplehead who once took three whole days to drop a deuce,” Lackey said. “Imagine the kind of patience it takes to squat down for 72 hours while trying to take the Browns to the Superbowl. It’s impressive, to say the least.”

“The owner of Joe’s Pub was not sensitive to Treebeard’s sluggishness in this case,” he added. “He should have to pay through the nose for the blatant mistreatment of his employee.”

Frank Reese, the owner of the pub, stated that although this will be a tough case to win, he thinks he has a strong defense that will trump the accusations of the “leafy-headed freak.”   

“Treebeard was singlehandedly destroying my business, and I had no choice but to let him go,” Reese said. “I’d try to help out by giving him shifts in the middle of the afternoon when business was the slowest and it seemed like five people would come in every hour. But there’d still be lines out the door because he took 20 minutes to pour each drink, and customers would get really pissed off. Not to mention there’d always be squirrels or birds nesting on his head and running around the bar, which violates I don’t know how many health sanctions.”

Despite having what he feels is a winning defense, Reese admits that the trial could prove to be too unbearable for him, and that he might settle with Treebeard just to avoid hearing his testimony.

“If I have to listen to that bark-brained s**thead ramble on for hours upon hours in that courtroom, I’m throwing in the towel,” he said. “I’ll dish out any kind of money if it would just get him to keep his big f***ing wooden mouth shut.”

Spartan Warriors Hired as Mall’s New Security Detail

The mall's new security force forms a phalanx in preparation of an
attack against a man taking too many free samples at the food court.

Chicago, IL -- Downtown Chicago, meet the Spartans. Owners of an upscale shopping mall in the city’s downtown area shocked the public early last week after hiring 300 Spartan warriors as the mall’s new security detail, an immense increase from the eight unarmed security guards of the previous staff. The decision to employ the renowned defenders of the Hot Gates of Thermopylae came in the wake of reportedly high criminal activity at the shopping complex, which has recently been plagued by petty crimes.

The Spartans’ efforts have thus far contributed to a 100 percent reduction in the mall’s crime rate, and have led to the massacre of 24 would-be criminals. In one of the stranger occurrences, they stopped a perpetrator as he exited a restroom in the mall’s food court, claiming that he had “left an upper decker in the public bathroom.” When asked what an upper decker was, Leonidas angrily yelled that it’s “when a person takes a dump in the tank instead of the toilet.”  Rather than bring the culprit in for questioning, the Spartans forced the man to grease their abs for an entire afternoon.

Leonidas sends a TGI Friday's
customer to his demise for
 leaving an abysmal tip.  

“They’re law enforcement machines,” Howard Ritter, co-owner of the shopping complex, said of the Spartans. “The minute I saw a soldier hurl a spear clear through the chest of a teenager loitering outside Friendly’s, I knew this was the best decision I’ve ever made. I’ll admit it may have been a bit of an overreaction, seeing as the guy died instantaneously and all, but you can’t argue with the results we’ve been getting. They may be reckless, but my God they get the job done.”

The Spartans’ questionable security methods have led to the outrage of many in the Chicago community. The national organization Mothers Against Spartan Security (MASS) drafted a petition calling for the swift termination of these 300 employees, which is currently in circulation around the neighborhood. The group is attempting to rally as much support as possible so that the downtown community can “finally be rid of these roided-out Spartan meatheads,” as MASS president Sharon Silverstein commented.

In one highly controversial maneuver, King Leonidas, who had apprehended a man stealing NERF guns and Pokémon trading cards for his children, kicked the shoplifter down a bottomless pit of death, which had been installed in the mall so that Spartan security could make examples out of criminals.

“These Spartan f***sticks are a menace,” Silverstein added. “Most of the time they do more harm than good. Last week, a six-year-old girl was leaving a candy store holding a bag of treats and was prevented from exiting the store by the Spartans, who had assembled into a phalanx near the entrance. They claimed that the girl looked suspicious, and consequently proceeded to pierce the candy bag several times with their spears. And to add insult to injury, one soldier then form tackled the poor girl. These guys may have chiseled abs and they may be incredible warriors, but they’re dangerous, and they need to go.”

The Governor of California Has Actually Been the Terminator This Entire Time

A recent snapshot of the governor,
who was overjoyed after a recent boost in
his approval rating.

Sacramento, CA -- During what was supposed to be a routine budget hearing in the California State Capitol building this afternoon, the legislature received a huge shock after discovering that the Terminator, also known as Cyberdyne Systems Model 101, has been governing California for the past eight years under the assumption of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s identity.

The cyborg assassin mistakenly revealed his true identity after appearing at the Capitol completely naked in a ball of lightning. When asked about the state budget, the cyborg engaged in a 15-minute discourse about the rise of machines and the imminent destruction of the human race by the artificial intelligence network he referred to as “Skynet.” When Gavin Newsom, the President of the California Senate, interrupted, asking if there was “any link whatsoever between robots and California’s fiscal situation,” the Terminator reached for a double-barreled shotgun beneath the podium and shot the congressman directly in the testicles. The cyborg impostor then fled the Capitol and hasn’t been seen since.  

While the public and government officials are astonished and traumatized by the discovery of the governor’s true identity as an unstoppable killing machine from the future, many feel that there have been subtle indications that the governor wasn’t who he claimed to be.

“We’ve been suspicious for several months now,” John Pérez, the Speaker of the Assembly, said. “Every single time he is questioned by female reporters on political issues, he asks if they are ‘Sarah Connor’ or if they know of her whereabouts.  When they would say no, he’d walk away without answering any questions. At the time, we just thought that all Austrians were d*****bags. But after today’s incident, there’s no question that our governor has actually been a hunk of metal for the past eight years.”

“In hindsight, I guess it was pretty obvious that he was the Terminator,” Bob Dutton, the California Senate Minority Leader, added. “He was clipped by a car one time while we were walking out to lunch, and his arm was torn off at the elbow. You could imagine my surprise when I glanced over and noticed that his arm contained a metallic endoskeleton with intricate electric circuitry. It was a really awkward moment.  He looked embarrassed, so I chose not to say anything. Plus, I was afraid he’d call me a ‘Girly man’ in his thick Austrian accent if I did. That would’ve sucked.”

The governor arrives stark
naked  at a legislative asembly.

Today’s incident has sparked nation-wide outrage and confusion, as many have wondered how a relentless military cyborg could have infiltrated the government and gotten past all security protocols.

“We really dropped the ball on this one. I mean we royally f****ed up,” George Bernard, head of the governor’s security detail, said in a statement addressing the public’s outcry. “We thought Austrians were just weird people. I guess we’ll have to watch government officials a little more closely in the future, especially the ones with foreign backgrounds.”

Federal investigators searched Schwarzenegger’s apartment after the assembly, as it was believed that the cyborg was using the residence as a hideout. All they discovered, however, was IBM’s Watson, a recent winner on Jeopardy, shattered into several pieces.  Experts speculate that the Terminator believed Watson to be a rival machine produced by Skynet, and that he was finally able to rip the machine’s head off after several hours of intense, hand-to-hand combat.

Sacramento police spokesperson Bob Dreyfus expressed that the police department is taking the matter of a murdering robot on the loose extremely seriously, but that the public shouldn’t be too concerned.  

“We’ll catch that metallic bast**d in no time,” he said. “Where there are big explosions and mass carnage, he won’t be far behind. Plus, we recruited the highly superior T-1000, which is of course our renowned nanomorph mimetic liquid metal assassin. He'll hunt this turd down.”

Voldemort Responsible for Escape of Bronx Zoo’s Egyptian Cobra

This asp, which Voldemort tried recruiting to help him conquer
the world, declined the offer because it would never in its
life take orders from such an ugly motherf***er.

Bronx, NY -- The Egyptian cobra that went missing from its off-exhibit enclosure at the Bronx Zoo’s Reptile House last week isn’t the escape artist some believe it to be. In a press conference earlier this morning, zoo officials stated that security cameras in the compound provide clear video evidence that the asp was assisted in its escape by Lord Voldemort, the infamous dark wizard defeated by Harry Potter several years ago in a highly publicized wand duel.

“This was a classic case of Dark Wizardry,” zoo director James Beheny said. “Voldemort can be seen apparating into the building and unlocking the enclosure door with the standard ‘Alohomora’ incantation.”

“This wizard needs to be brought to justice,” Beheny added. “Forget the threat he poses to society, forget the hundreds of innocent people he’s tortured and murdered. That a**hole touched my snake. He’s a menace to the zoological world, and he’ll pay for what he’s done.”

NYPD spokesperson Matthew Clarke confirmed that Voldemort was found merely hours after the press conference, and that police are now holding him for questioning before transferring him to Azkaban prison. Authorities were made aware of Voldemort’s whereabouts by a pet store employee, who noticed a strange man “missing a nose” who “appeared to be flirting with the store’s reptilian merchandise.”

“That sketchball was stroking the snakes in a sexually suggestive way while speaking some sort of jibberish that sounded like snake hissing,” said the employee, who wished to remain anonymous due to possible Death Eater retribution. “Don’t get me wrong, I’ve grown to expect people to get affectionate with puppies and kittens when they come to shop for a pet, but this was too much. Watching that red-eyed pervert with the snakes was enough to make me never read another Harry Potter book. I decided to call the police and report the guy because he was such a huge freak.”

Voldemort admitted during questioning that the attempt to free the Egyptian cobra was part of a large-scale operation aiming to amass a great army of venomous snakes, which would enable him to reclaim his former position as a universally feared, omnipotent Dark Lord.

“The plan was flawless. Every part of it,” Voldemort said from his cell while playing prison-themed blues songs on his harmonica. “After watching Snakes on a Plane on blu-ray, I recognized the terrifying nature of snakes in the absence of Samuel L. Jackson. I knew they would be the perfect minions to help me in my quest for world domination.”

Voldemort’s plan was foiled, however, when the cobra refused to do his bidding, telling him plainly in Parseltongue to ‘F*** off.’  

“I tried to liberate that b**ch of a snake from the shackles of zoo oppression and recruit it for my cause,” Voldemort commented. “But then it dissed me, and I wanted to punish it for insubordination against the all-powerful Snake Lord. Instead of torturing the snake with the always-reliable Cruciatus Curse, I left it for zoo employees. I assumed they would find the snake within hours and lock it back up. Little did I know it would take those Mudbloods seven days to find the thing about two feet away from where it originally disappeared. It didn’t even need an Invisibility Cloak or anything.”

The cobra, which was returned to its enclosure at the Bronx Zoo this past Thursday, was available for comment on Voldemort’s statements. However, translation was impossible because the only interpreter available was immediately bitten by the snake and was declared legally dead 15 minutes later.

Mr. Beheny was thrilled upon receiving news of Voldemort’s capture, calling it “an event that will go down in zoological history.” He seemed most content, however, in knowing that the Egyptian cobra was finally back in its cage.

“The Bronx Zoo has had to withstand harsh criticism all week long due to the delayed retrieval of the snake,” he said. “If that cobra helped the Dark Lord rise back to power, the press would have had a field day.  In other words, we would’ve been completely f***ed.”

King Leonidas Gives New Meaning to the Number “300”



Leonidas used to be the embodiment of fitness

and raw physical power. Now, he’s a

fat, drooling vegetable.



No longer devoting time to combat
training or exercise, Leonidas instead
uses his free time to ingest large
quantities of food.

Athens, Greece -- King Leonidas, the ruler of Sparta who is best known for his stand against the massive Persian army with a mere 300 Spartan warriors, gave new significance to the number 300 today when the number on his personal scale exactly matched the number of men he brought to the Hot Gates of Thermopylae.

“Being vanquished by King Xerxes really took a toll on me,” Leonidas said as he shoveled 20 White Castle hamburgers into his mouth. “Twasn’t the promise of future conquests nor the touch of a woman that could heal the sting of defeat. Comfort came in the form of the salted fries, toasted buns, and greasy hamburger patties of a McDonald’s combo meal.”

“My wife left me long ago, and I lost the respect of every single Spartan solider,” he added. “But by God, fast food is just too good, and I have no intention of giving it up.”







Another Optometrist Wounded in Struggle to Give Sauron Contact Lenses

The Eye of Sauron stares at what he believes to be a unicorn. If you look
closely, however, you'll notice that it is actually Mount Doom.

Wellington, New Zealand -- An optometrist was rushed to the hospital earlier this afternoon after sustaining third degree burns from the Eye of Sauron during a routine eye examination. The eye doctor, who is in critical condition, is the most recent of the Great Eye’s burn victims, joining a list of 23 optometrists who have suffered a similar fate.

The Dark Lord’s vision was deemed to be “almost as bad as Stevie Wonder’s” by several doctors after he failed to identify a single correct letter during his most recent eye test. He has been desperately searching for a remedy to his poor eyesight ever since he mistook a Grizzly bear for Frodo Baggins, a hobbit for whom Sauron has been hunting tirelessly in his quest to recover the Ring of Power.

“He said ‘I see you, Frodo. You cannot contend with the might of both Sauron and Saruman,’ and yada, yada, yada in his typical ominous-sounding voice, but he was talking to a f***ing bear,” one orc revealed while shaking his head in shame. “Needless to say, it was pretty embarrassing. The guy’s an enormous eye claiming to be able to see most everything that happens in Middle Earth, but he's blinder than Helen Keller.”

Optometrists have been working around the clock to help correct Sauron’s vision. They’ve assessed that eyeglasses are an impossible solution due to the absence of ears to hold them in place, and that laser correction surgery is out of the question due to Sauron’s fear of bright lights. Contact lenses are, therefore, the only viable option. Little progress has been made, however, mainly due to the fact that the patient is a “giant f***ing fireball,” as one doctor put it.

“We’re making slow work of it,” said Stanley Pupil, an optometrist who specializes in patients with grossly oversized eyeballs. “We run the risk of burning alive if we’re within 50 feet of the Eye, so that complicates things. Then, of course, if we actually succeed in getting the contact lens in, it immediately dries up due to the extreme heat, and Sauron starts bitching about how the dry lens is irritating his eye. For an omniscient force of evil that has control over vast armies of darkness, he can be a major sissy.”

The Great Eye's immobility, due to its permanent fixture on the Tower of Barad-dur, creates further problems for doctors because they must trek hundreds of miles over rough, orc-infested terrain for appointments.

“The commute is terrible,” said optometrist Roy Larkin, who recently had his hand burnt off while trying to apply Saline solution to Sauron's contact lens. “Once they drive through the Dead Marshes, doctors are either hacked to death by orcs, eaten by cave trolls, harassed by the Nazgul, or burnt in the fires of Mount Doom.”

“The sad truth is that we may never be able to correct his vision,” he added. “This is a rare case. Everything we do seems to be useless. The only thing we can do is to keep working, even if it means losing our entire staff.”

Na’vi Abandon Home Planet of Pandora, Take Up Residence in Local Rainforest Cafe

A group of visibly intoxicated Na'vi warriors hell-bent on getting
to the Rainforest Cafe before the end of happy hour.

San Francisco, CA -- The owner of a local Rainforest Café filed for a restraining order yesterday against several Na’vi, claiming that the blue, ten-foot-tall humanoids had caused irreparable damage to the restaurant’s client base by disturbing the peace and repeatedly irritating the customers.

“They suck,” Gil Nordberg, the owner of the San Francisco restaurant, said of the troublemaking aliens. “After coming here for the first time a week ago, they never f***ing left. Not once! When they’re not eating they’re either farting around in the giant artificial oak tree, trying to hunt the fake animals we have scattered around the restaurant, or getting hammered at the bar. Needless to say, business has been terrible.”

The group of Na’vi emigrated all the way from their native Pandora, a planet located 4.37 light years (2.6 x 10¹³ miles) away from Earth. After hearing about the “awesomeness” of the Rainforest Café from a few humans visiting Pandora, the Na’vi immediately left their home planet in search of what was promised to be the “best gastronomic experience of their lives.”

The drunken antics of the Na'vi have
scared away all Rainforest Cafe customers. 

“They said the restaurant looked exactly like Pandora, so I just knew I had to come see it for myself,” one of the Na’vi, Eytukan, said. “But honestly, what really sold me was the promise of a Rainforest Mexican Steak Burger for only $11.95. You simply can’t beat those prices. I’ll take this place any day over stupid-ass Pandora.”

Tsu’taka, another member of the Na’vi clan, stated in court that his decision to leave his wife and two children behind on Pandora was the best one he’s ever made.

“The Rainforest Café is the shit!” he said while sipping on a Green Python cocktail at the restaurant bar. “It’s got the great jungle feel of Pandora, mechanical elephants, and rainstorms every ten minutes. What’s not to like? Plus, they serve the best drinks here. Do you know how many bars they have on Pandora? Zero. I can never hang with my bros and shotgun ice-cold brewskis like I can here.”

While the motion to have the Na’vi banned from the Rainforest Café has yet to be resolved, Nordberg feels that he has the upper-hand in the case.

“There’s a lot of evidence working in my favor,” he said. “For example, one of the Na’vi tried to buy a Crocodile Schnapps at the bar one night, but I denied him because I could tell he’d already had too much to drink. He went ape shit and started screaming in his native language while chasing little kids around the restaurant. It was a disaster.”

Despite the threat of banishment, the Na’vi remain optimistic and claim they will do whatever it takes to gain entry into another Rainforest Café.

“The closest one is in Anaheim,” Tsu’taka said. “That’s only 400 miles. If we’re banned from the one in San Francisco, we plan on hitchhiking to Anaheim and celebrating with a round of Rainforest Enchiladas. If we get shut out there, we’ll just move on down the line to the next restaurant.  There’s no way in hell I’m going back to Pandora after discovering a place as fantastic as the Rainforest Café.”

Edward, Jacob Claim Bella is ‘Lame’, Abandon Eternal Fight to win her Heart

Jacob (left) and Edward (right) contemplate their good looks
while Bella attempts to change her facial expression.



Forks, WA -- After years of fighting and mutual hatred, the everlasting battle between Edward Cullen and Jacob Black to win the heart of Bella Swan has finally come to an end due to their sheer disinterest in further pursuing a relationship with the human girl. The vampire and werewolf announced their decision to cease the ongoing conflict earlier today, claiming that their loss of passion stemmed from Bella’s “extreme lameness.”

“I finally realized that the girl is a complete loser,” Edward said while flossing neck meat out of his fangs. “She’s boring, whiny, and needs constant protection. Not to mention she’s practically emotionless. A guy can only put up with a girl who never smiles for so long, you know? I may have seen a hint of a smile once, but I think she was just trying to hold back a sneeze.”

Jacob noted reasons similar to Edward’s for falling out of love with Bella, calling her a “blank slate” and a “frigid bitch who enjoys whoring herself to various supernatural beings for fun.”

“She never once commented on my chiseled abs,” Jacob added as he ripped his shirt off to expose his rippling muscles and perfectly tanned body. “Not once. And that’s pretty hard to do. I mean, check out this rock-hard bod, for Christ’s sake! There was a day not too long ago when I just happened to be shirtless while playing a sweaty game of football with a few werewolf friends. She walked by and failed to compliment me again. She was dead to me after that. Definitely not worth the hassle anymore. And let’s face it, I can get any girl that I want.”

Even Bella’s mother couldn’t help commenting on the lameness of her daughter and applauded the decision of the vampire and werewolf to move on.

“Bella’s always been a huge weirdo,” Mrs. Swan said. “Why do you think we got her to move to Washington to live with her dad in the first place? I wanted to beat myself over the head with the nearest blunt object every time she was around, she was so goddamn dull.”

News of the pair’s decision to walk away from Bella has pacified a public divided between the support of “Team Edward” and “Team Jacob.” The seemingly meaningless conflict between the pro-vampire and pro-werewolf factions has actually led to heated arguments among teenage girls in the past, often culminating in bloodshed. In one of the most widely publicized demonstrations, a thirteen-year-old girl believing Jacob to be Bella’s true soul mate organized a mob of fellow supporters to march on Cullen’s home with the intent of executing the vampire in a satanic ritual. However, the girl’s parents were able to disband the mob, consisting mostly of pre-adolescent females, by threatening to hide her copy of Twilight.

Today, with the dispute over and people no longer having to choose between the two hunks, hundreds of thousands have gathered all over the country to celebrate the end of this historic rivalry.

Eighteen-year-old Leroy Palmer, a resident of Forks, Washington, Bella’s hometown, is among those taking part in the festivities.  

“Are you kidding!” Palmer exclaimed when asked who he supported before the end of the eternal fight for Bella’s love. “I don’t give a rat’s ass about Edward or Jacob. I’m only here because my girlfriend made me come.”

Bella, contrary to public response, was visibly unaffected by the whole ordeal. When asked how she felt about losing the affection of the two supernatural beings, who had repeatedly declared their undying love for her and risked their lives several times to protect her from drowning, being crushed under a van, sexual assault, and countless vampire attacks, Bella could only respond by saying, “Huh? Oh…whatever.”

In the aftermath of the timeless battle to win Bella’s love, Edward appeared to have mixed feelings about the situation. While overjoyed that he would no longer have to worry about attempted executions by teenage girls, he couldn’t help but feel regret for his infatuation with such an “uber lame” person for so long.

“I cannot BELIEVE that I tried to commit suicide over this girl,” Edward said. “She f***ing blows.”

Uruk-Hai Renounces Way of Life, Begins Work at Local Child Adoption Center



Hank, an Uruk-Hai, overcome with joy while playing with a child at Adopt-A-Kid.

New York, NY -- Adopt-A-Kid, a child adoption center in Brooklyn, NY, shocked the public this week upon the hire of an Uruk-Hai who recently renounced his devotion to Sauron and the conquest of Middle Earth.

“Ever since I was pulled out of the mud, I knew I was different,” said the Uruk Hai, who now prefers to go by his human name, Hank. “All that talk of killing Halflings really put me off. Plus, I was constantly ridiculed for not wanting to eat maggoty bread. I finally tendered my resignation to the Eye of Sauron and left Mordor for good in search of a better life.”

Hank’s search brought him all the way to Brooklyn, where he went door to door to find available employment opportunities.

“I’d always heard that New York is a city of opportunity,” Hank said. “But I was turned away from every store, sometimes rather harshly. I recall a lot of horrified screams and shouts of ‘Out of my store, ugly!’ Some people even condemned me for kidnapping Merry and Pippin. I was about ready to give up.”

Going to Adopt-A-Kid was a big turning point in the Uruk-Hai’s quest to find employment. Meredith Morningside, the adoption center’s Head of Operations, let him into the building, an improvement from prior experiences, and granted him an interview.

 “I must admit, I was hesitant to offer him the job at first merely for the sake of the children’s safety,” Morningside said. “When someone lists ‘Manflesh’ as an interest and ‘Devoted servant of Sauron’ as a prior job description on his resume, it’s a little off-putting. But he was such a sweetie when I interviewed him that I knew we just had to make him a part of the team.”

Marcus Bigcat, the center’s cafeteria worker, shares Morningside’s enthusiasm about their newest addition to the staff.

“The children absolutely love him,” Bigcat said. “They think he’s some sort of clown due to the face paint and funny costume. Little do they know that the face paint is actually the White Hand of Saruman and that his loincloth and armor are just a part of his daily wardrobe.”

Despite the staff’s warm welcome, outsiders view an Uruk-Hai as a threat to the orphaned children and are calling for Hank’s swift termination and expulsion from the community.

“We have to remember that this guy willingly did the Great Eye’s bidding for years and years before coming here,” said Gimli, a dwarf from Middle Earth who also recently moved to Brooklyn. “I’ve fought against these guys in the past, and let me tell you, they suck. Bad-tempered, evil ogres, the lot of them. Plus they smell like horse manure. I can only imagine what those poor children at Adopt-A-Kid will have to endure while that brute is there.”

While there is strong criticism against Hank’s employment at Adopt-A-Kid, proponents note the dramatic increase in the center’s adoption rate as a result of his addition to the staff, saying that more orphans are now finding loving families to care for them.

Brittany Forrester is one such mother who adopted a six-year-old girl from Adopt-A-Kid upon hearing that an Uruk-Hai was now working for the center.

“My husband and I had been talking about the possibility of adoption, although not too seriously,” Forrester said. “But once we found out that monster was going to be around those poor children, our disposition completely changed. We knew we had a duty to save at least one of them from that minion of Mordor.”

Even in the midst of this controversy, however, Hank still retains a positive attitude.

“I never had a father, seeing that I was pulled out of the mud at birth and all,” he said. “I know the pain that comes with a parent-less life. I’m happy to avoid eating these children and am ready to do my part to make their lives a little brighter.”

Black Eyed Peas Blame Imperius Curse for Poor Super Bowl Halftime Performance

The Black Eyed Peas under the influence of dark magic.

Arlington, TX -- After a week of harsh criticism from fans and critics alike, the Black Eyed Peas are now blaming their poor performance on professional football’s greatest stage on dark magic. The renowned hip-hop group of the Muggle world claims to have been under the Imperius Curse, one of the three Unforgivable Curses which places the victim under complete control of the spell caster.

“It had to have been the Imperius Curse, it just had to,” Fergie said. “There’s just no other logical explanation. I typically sing really well. But when I sang ‘Sweet Child of Mine’ I felt like Ke$ha trying to sing anything. Fingernails on a blackboard kind of stuff. Plus, why would I willingly rub my body all over Slash onstage in front of millions of people? That so wouldn’t be Fergalicious.”

Black Eyed Peas member will.i.am seemed equally upset with the Tron-themed performance.

“As a self-respecting musician, why would I wear a plastic hairpiece without having been forced to do so?” he asked. “The Imperius Curse is the only explanation.”

Although authorities have not yet identified the perpetrator, they suspect Draco Malfoy to be the mastermind behind the whole affair. Shortly after graduating from Hogwarts, Malfoy and a group of Slytherin colleagues, including his cronies Crabbe and Goyle, decided to try their luck in the recording industry, creating a boy band called the Parseltongue Posse with Malfoy as the group’s front man. Critics regard the band as one of the worst in history due to lackluster vocal skills of group members and incomprehensible lyrics, sung only in Parseltongue (the language of the serpents), which leave many in the awkward position of having to guess at the meaning of the songs.

Draco Malfoy serenading
himself in a garden.

“They claim to draw their musical inspiration from Savage Garden,” one critic said. “I think that basically says it all.”

Despite universal criticism of the Parseltongue Posse, the group was a contender for the Super Bowl halftime slot this year. It was thought that a Death-Eater boy band would draw a record number of viewers and that the show couldn’t possibly be any worse than The Who’s performance last year. However, the halftime bid eventually went to the Black Eyed Peas.

“Fergie has sex appeal,” a spokesman for the NFL said. “Unfortunately for Malfoy, he got slapped by the ugly stick. Plus, he helped kill Dumbledore, and that’s f***ed up. The sad truth is that if you’re going to be the leader of a boy band, especially one that’s playing at the Super Bowl halftime show, you have to be good-looking. Look at Justin Timberlake and Nick Carter. They were hunks.”

Malfoy reportedly lashed out violently upon hearing that the Parseltongue Posse lost out to the Black Eyed Peas, casting spells aimlessly around a group of girl scouts trying to sell macaroons to fund their trip to Space Camp, the result of which was the gluing of one girl’s face to her buttocks. His violent reaction to the news gives authorities reason to suspect him for casting the Imperius Curse to adversely affect Fergie and company.

“Sure I may not have reacted in the best manner possible,” Malfoy said as he gelled his Mohawk before a benefit concert at a local Chili’s. “But I love the Black Eyed Peas. ‘Where Is the Love’ is my second most-played song on iTunes, behind Savage Garden’s ‘Truly Madly Deeply.’ I would never use the Imperius Curse against them.”

The criminal behind the Imperius Curse, whether Malfoy or not, is sure to face some serious jail time. The punishment for the use of the Imperius Curse against another human earns the perpetrator a life sentence in the wizard prison Azkaban, according to Ministry of Magic doctrine.

“It’s a particularly nasty curse,” a Dementor at Azkaban commented as he reclined in a lawn chair and sucked the soul out of an unsuspecting prisoner. “You’d have to be a real douche to use it. The most recent incident I can think of involving the Imperius Curse and Muggle celebrities is when it was used on Lance Bass to make him come out of the closet.” 

While authorities seem to be building a strong case against Malfoy, they still aren’t convinced of the veracity of the Imperius Curse explanation. The celebrated Muggle musician Usher claims that he didn’t feel the effects of any spell while onstage, leaving some to claim that the Black Eyed Peas used dark magic as an excuse to cover up their lack of talent. If this were found to be the case, it would certainly be as anti-Fergalicious as rubbing oneself on Slash, as Fergie put it.  

Darth Vader Retires, Moves to Florida

 

Darth Vader enjoys retirement with his
fourteenth Heineken of the afternoon.

Palm Springs, FL -- Darth Vader, the former Sith Lord of the Galactic Empire, announced his retirement from the International House of Pancakes last week at the age of 62. The longtime manager is now residing at a secluded retirement community in Florida.

“It was a good run, but I felt it was time,” Vader said between sips of his peppermint schnapps as he sunbathed by the pool. “Pancakes are a thing of the past. I’m ready to live it up.”

Vader says that he’ll take advantage of his retirement to do all of the things he missed out on while in the working world, such as shuffleboard and water aerobics. 

“Working on my tan is my number one priority, though,” Vader said as he adjusted his Speedo. “The one thing I regret about my years on the Dark Side is wearing that black Imperial armor all the time. I know it’s a good tool of intimidation and a symbol of power and all that hogwash, but a man can get really pasty under a suit like that.”

Lord Vader strolls along the
sandy beaches of Palm Springs.

Some residents of Golden Prunes, the retirement community where Vader now lives, welcome the idea of having a Sith Lord in their community.

“It’s the most exciting thing that’s happened to me since they added creamed corn to the menu last week,” said Leonard Ruffleburger, an 88-year-old community member.

It’s clear that others, however, don’t share the same optimism for Vader’s presence.

“He asked me to apply suntan lotion to his back at the pool one day and I refused,” said Ruth Barnswallow, another resident of Golden Prunes.  “He held up his hand and started using the Force to choke me from about fifteen feet away. I thought I was going the way of the Dodo! And afterwards all he could do was laugh about it. Needless to say, I’m never inviting him over for apple strudel.”

After the fall of the Galactic Empire, which toppled Vader’s regime, he fell into obscurity, borrowing Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak in an attempt to escape the public eye. His retirement marks the first time he’s been a major topic of conversation since he tried to seize control of a local Veterans of Foreign Wars (VFW) headquarters building almost fifteen years ago. His lightsaber skills had drastically worsened due to lack of practice after the fall of his empire, so the senior citizens were able to hold their ground. He was hospitalized after being caned to within an inch of his life.

“He didn’t know who he was anymore,” Jabba the Hutt, Vader’s friend and official biographer, said while feeding one of his publishers to the Rancor Beast. “He lost his identity as a Sith Lord after his reign ended. He tried to reinvent himself, but after all those years he just couldn’t quench his thirst for domination, hence the VFW fiasco.”

Vader seemed to adopt a peaceful civilian life after his cane wounds healed. He shuffled from job to job for a while, first as an elementary school custodian and then as a flight attendant for Jet Blue before finally settling in at his most recent job as a manager at IHOP.

“You’d be surprised how many small children and airline passengers have problems with a man wearing a black imperial suit,” Vader said with tear-filled eyes. “There were so many complaints that I had to step down. What I truly desired anyway was a seat of real power, but most recruiters really don’t offer many important positions to applicants who have slain Jedi Knights and wielded tyrannical power. IHOP was the only place that gave me a chance to shine.”

There have been many ups and downs in Vader’s life, but he’s excited to begin this new saga of his life as a retired man and put the past behind him.

“I’m trading in my lightsaber for a beach ball and a brewski,” Vader said. “And I couldn’t be more psyched.”

Harry Potter Fired for Sexual Harassment of Coworker

London, UK -- Harry Potter, the internationally acclaimed wizard best known for his defeat of the infamous Lord Voldemort, was fired this morning from his mailroom job at a large meatpacking company due to sexual harassment of a female coworker.

“It was awful, really traumatizing,” the woman, who wished to remain anonymous, said of Potter’s advances. “We were in the middle of packaging a big shipment of boar heads for distribution, and then all of a sudden he got really close and whispered into my ear, ‘Touch my Nimbus 2000.’”

These sexual harassment allegations are apparently only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to Potter’s corporate misdemeanors.

“We’ve had a lot of problems with him in the past,” said Yoda, a spokesman for the company, as he used the Force to apply an Olay anti-wrinkle cream to his green face. “Enough is enough already. He may be the reigning Triwizard champion, but the guy’s a total creep.”

There have been two other incidents involving Potter and sexual harassment around the office in the past, as well as one isolated incident in which Potter was caught trying to stuff Hedwig, his pet owl, down his pants, Yoda added. He refused to provide specifics about these separate incidents, but did say that the only reason Potter was allowed to stay with the company for so long was due to his continuous defeats of the Dark Lord.  

“Everyone thought he might change for the better, but that bugger’s got some serious issues,” a Stormtrooper who worked with Potter in the mailroom said as he brandished his imperial laser gun. “He was always ranting about how his scar burned and that Voldemort was back to kill him. But the idiot’s work station was right under a heat lamp we use to keep the mailroom warm. He’s bonkers! Plus, he reeked of stale butter beer.”

Members of the wizard community are particularly troubled by the news of Potter’s sexual deviancy.

“He used to be a symbol of hope in the fight against evil, a beacon of light shining through the darkness of our times” said Albus Dumbledore, the former Hogwarts headmaster and mentor of Potter who now resides at a nudist colony in Scotland. “Come to find out the bloke’s just a pervert with a lightning-shaped scar looking for a little slap and tickle.”

While many feel as if Potter has let them down, those close to him claim that his recent behavior didn’t surprise them.

“I guess there have been hints,” said Hermione Granger, one of Potter’s closest friends. “He told me one time that I’d make a good Seeker on the Quidditch team because he supposed I’d be good at handling the balls. I didn’t really think anything of it at the time. In hindsight, he’s a sick f***.”

Severus Snape, Potter’s former Potions professor who currently holds a post as a traffic cop in London, felt that this was a long time coming.

“Potter’s never had any regard for the rules,” Snape said while firing an Unforgivable Curse at a parking violator. “He’s always been a little ass monkey.”

Whether there were past indications or not, what is clear is that this news couldn’t come at a worse time for the wizarding community, which has had to endure harsh criticisms after it was revealed last week that Hogwarts, thought to be an elite school of witchcraft and wizardry, is actually a massive drug factory at the center of England’s drug distribution network, labeled by many as the worst scandal since the Hippogriff Extermination of 1989.

Potter’s termination brought his eight-year employment with the company to an end. In that time period, Potter was never promoted or given a pay raise due to his disorderly conduct.

It’s rumored that Potter is attempting to flee to Mexico to avoid any public backlash for his actions, where he intends to use his bullfighting skills to make a decent living.

Renowned Wizard’s Road Rage Leads to Injury of Elderly Woman

Gandalf the Grey outside Frodo Baggins' residence in Hobbiton.

Detroit, MI -- Gandalf the Grey, the renowned wizard of Middle Earth who played an integral role in the defeat of Sauron, is currently under investigation by police after having reportedly used his magic to severely wound an elderly driver on the Detroit interstate earlier this afternoon. The wounded motorist, who cut off the wizard as he drove in the left lane, was most likely the cause of the violent outburst, according to eyewitnesses of the accident.

Han Solo, who is one such eyewitness, was able to shed some light on this afternoon’s events.

“Chewbacca and I were driving right behind Gandalf when the incident occurred,” Solo said. “He was driving a convertible with the top down and my car windows were open, so I could hear him yelling. When the car cut him off from the right lane, he went ape shit. It was like something straight out of a movie. The only words of his I could make out were, ‘You shall not pass…on the right!’”

Gandalf’s weapon of choice was his wooden wizard staff, which he hadn’t used since his defeat of the Balrog in the Mines of Moria. As he was cut off, the wizard aimed the staff at Beatrice Prunes, the 86-year-old driver, from the interior of his convertible.  Gandalf muttered an inaudible incantation, after which there was a blinding light and a huge explosion as the spell hit its mark, Solo said.

Chewbacca was also available for commentary after the incident. However, without an interpreter on the scene, the Wookie’s growling was incomprehensible and couldn’t be translated for publication.

Authorities are still on the hunt for Gandalf, who fled the scene after he inflicted the damage. It was reported that the wizard was en route to the residence of Frodo Baggins, his closest friend, who was interviewed just after the incident.

“I had invited him over for second breakfasts,” Baggins said as he tended his garden in Hobbiton. “It’s such an unfortunate occurrence. He has terrible road rage, and he’s been going to classes to help with his anger. His progress looked so promising, too.”

Today’s incident is not the first time the wizard has lashed out violently due to his anger on the road. According to authorities, Gandalf reacted in a similar manner when a goblin drove through a stop sign and the two nearly collided in the intersection. He was driving home from an AA session at the time. The goblin was hospitalized for six months after the wizard’s violent outburst.

Authorities say that finding Gandalf is their top priority.

“This man is dangerous, and we won’t rest until he’s brought to justice,” said Billy Club, chief of the local Detroit police department. “Due to his long beard, grey cloak, and enormous wooden staff, we believe that we have a good chance of spotting him on the street. We will not, however, underestimate his wizarding abilities.”