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| Voldemort tests the magical fortitude of his new baguette by forcing a French schoolboy to eat twelve croissants. Bakery owners exclaimed they've never seen someone so giddy to buy a piece of bread. |
Lord Voldemort, sworn enemy to lightning-scarred whiz kid Harry Potter and considered by many to be the most powerful Dark Wizard in history, has replaced his wooden, Ollivander’s-made wand with a magical Parisian baguette after discovering his name is of French rather than British origin.
The villainous, snake-whispering Slytherin learned today, courtesy of an offhand comment made on Twitter by author J.K. Rowling, that the name that has instilled dread and unmitigated fear in the hearts of the wizarding community for a generation actually ends in a silent rather than a hard “t.” That led He Who Shall Not Be Named to proclaim that he indeed does have a name, and it is that of a Frenchman.
@Universe_Box One piece of Harry Potter trivia I always forget to mention: the "t" is silent in Voldemort, according to @jk_rowling.
— Michael Lucero (@mhenrylucero) September 9, 2015... but I'm pretty sure I'm the only person who pronounces it that way. https://t.co/HxhJ5XY5HP
— J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) September 9, 2015
To show solidarity with his countrymen, Tom Marvolo Riddle, as the Dark Lord was known in his youth, ditched his wand made of yew with a phoenix feather core for a long, doughy sheath that had been baked at 350 degrees in an artisanal boulangerie. The baked good, an almost artistic blend of outer crunch and fluffy interior, will henceforth be used as the delivery method for all required Unforgivable Curses.
“My only concern is that by succumbing to hunger, I’ll lose the ability to manipulate the will of others, impose searing, excruciating agony on naysayers, or strike an unsuspecting Mudblood dead with a well-placed Killing Curse,” Lord Voldemort said, while holding wheels of Camembert and Gruyère cheese and pondering which made him look more French.
“But, if I keep the baguette out of its packaging long enough, I can always use it as a bludgeon if all else fails.”
“My only concern is that by succumbing to hunger, I’ll lose the ability to manipulate the will of others, impose searing, excruciating agony on naysayers, or strike an unsuspecting Mudblood dead with a well-placed Killing Curse,” Lord Voldemort said, while holding wheels of Camembert and Gruyère cheese and pondering which made him look more French.
“But, if I keep the baguette out of its packaging long enough, I can always use it as a bludgeon if all else fails.”
