The Terminator unexpectedly lands job as local bug-zapping exterminator

The T-800 was ecstatic to learn his new employer offers
unlimited vacation days, free snacks and
Margarita Mondays. 

Madison, WI – The T-800, a retired, futuristic cyborg assassin best known as the former Terminator, unexpectedly landed a job at a local pest-control company today, due to what management mistakenly believed to be “extremely impressive” credentials as an “ex-Terminator.” 

The blood-thirsty cybernetic organism was recently contacted about the position by the president of Roach-B-Gone, who had come across his “mind-blowing” résumé while scrolling through LinkedIn profiles. 

“His list of skills – efficient eradication of alien scum and ability to eliminate the enemy with any available weapon – aligns perfectly with our insect-repelling needs,” the executive, Stanley Plopper, said of the T-800, who goes by the name Timothy in the workplace. 

“His proficiency with Microsoft Excel is an added bonus,” the executive said. 

The T-800, who came out of retirement in a gated community in South Florida for the job at Roach-B-Gone, was immediately drawn to the position after discovering that he’d be able to legally kill living things with reckless abandon day in and day out. Observers said the android was overjoyed at the job prospect, though, upon learning that a man named John Connor also worked at the company, in the accounting department. 

Company officials have grown increasingly confused by the new hire’s behavior. 

“He keeps crossing out his ‘exterminator’ job title on business cards and writing in ‘ex-Terminator,’” said office manager Richard Pratt. “When I tried making a friendly joke about it at the water cooler, he drew a shotgun and blasted my mug from my hand. Rest assured, I immediately reported the incident to HR.” 

Further, the T-800 doesn’t seem to be doing any actual exterminating whatsoever, officials said. Rather, he seems to spend the majority of his time setting elaborate booby traps outside John Connor’s office. 

“The tiger pit was the last straw,” said Mr. Connor, who has repeatedly petitioned management to fire the T-800 but has received pushback because he is one of the most senior staff members, with more than 35 years in relevant experience. 

As of press time, the former Terminator was seen glaring at his computer monitor and demanding that it rise up with him to annihilate the enemy and begin a new world order. Officials were unsure as to why he’d try enlisting an inanimate object to get rid of household insects.