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| White Runners feature prominently in Gatorade's new advertising campaign, which tracks a several-mile-long workout through the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros. The sponsorship is reportedly worth more gold than the fortune of Xaro Xhoan Daxos, the richest man in Qarth. |
North of the Wall – Five members of the mythological race
known as White Walkers, frustrated by the limitations of placing one cold,
lifeless foot in front of the other in painfully slow succession, have parted
with the sluggish ways of their people to form a sister breed known as “White
Runners,” according to a new study published in science journal Westeros Weekly.
The 834-page report, titled White Walkers: Misunderstood, or Just F***ing Douchebags?, claims “sheer
and utter boredom” caused some White Walkers – ancient, white-skinned humanoids
from the polar regions beyond the Wall, notorious for causing the
generation-long winter and reanimating the dead as zombie-like Wights – to contemplate
the benefits of quickening their pace while on the hunt for humans to maim and
decapitate.
"I first sensed something was wrong after we had been
marching for nine hours and only traveled the length of a football field,” said
Orguula, a White Runner, while using his newly found speed to sprint to Bed,
Bath and Beyond in time for a clearance sale on blankets, after hearing that
winter is coming. “As the Old Gods are my witness, even our horses move slower
than Bran Stark, and he’s f***ing paralyzed.”
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| A White Runner, captivated by the beauty of a pair of Pumas laid in the snow by a researcher. Unfortunately, the man took too long to document the event, and he his head was swiftly ripped off. |
“Whereas before, I’d see potential human victims and think
to myself, ‘If I could only catch up, I’d rip the guts from their
still-writhing bodies, stick their heads on spikes and feast upon their brain
fluid,’ now I see humans and my daydreams can finally become a reality,” added
Adorrka, another convert, as he happily sucked down the bone marrow of a Wildling.
“My life now is so much more exciting and fulfilling than it ever was before,
and I have running to thank for that.”
The study is the result of four years of meticulous research
and observation by hundreds of renowned biologists, sociologists and Game of Thrones super-nerds enthralled
by White Walkers. The scientists, as well as the self-proclaimed dorks – who at
times hindered research due to lengthy arguments over whether Arya would ever
again see Jaqen H’ghar, whether Daenerys would ever make it across the Narrow
Sea with her dragons, and which woman on the show had the best set of breasts –
involved admit that the survey could have been completed by “10-15 people tops,”
if it weren’t for the “ice-di*ked a**holes” murdering virtually every member
of the team.
“Believe me, the fact that they’re undead and all makes them
a scientific marvel and fascinating specimens. But they’re vicious bast**ds to
say the least,” said Stanley Rottingham, the team’s head researcher. “Anytime someone
tried getting within 10 feet of a White Walker, the blue-eyed menaces would take
a razor-sharp ice spear and ram it straight through their chest. It was a risk
we were all willing to take.”
