Voldemort, Discovering French Heritage, Embraces Baguette Wand

Voldemort tests the magical fortitude of his new baguette by forcing a
French schoolboy to eat twelve croissants. Bakery owners exclaimed
they've never seen someone so giddy to buy a piece of bread. 

Lord Voldemort, sworn enemy to lightning-scarred whiz kid Harry Potter and considered by many to be the most powerful Dark Wizard in history, has replaced his wooden, Ollivander’s-made wand with a magical Parisian baguette after discovering his name is of French rather than British origin. 

The villainous, snake-whispering Slytherin learned today, courtesy of an offhand comment made on Twitter by author J.K. Rowling, that the name that has instilled dread and unmitigated fear in the hearts of the wizarding community for a generation actually ends in a silent rather than a hard “t.” That led He Who Shall Not Be Named to proclaim that he indeed does have a name, and it is that of a Frenchman.

@Universe_Box One piece of Harry Potter trivia I always forget to mention: the "t" is silent in Voldemort, according to @jk_rowling.

— Michael Lucero (@mhenrylucero) September 9, 2015

... but I'm pretty sure I'm the only person who pronounces it that way. https://t.co/HxhJ5XY5HP

— J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) September 9, 2015

To show solidarity with his countrymen, Tom Marvolo Riddle, as the Dark Lord was known in his youth, ditched his wand made of yew with a phoenix feather core for a long, doughy sheath that had been baked at 350 degrees in an artisanal boulangerie. The baked good, an almost artistic blend of outer crunch and fluffy interior, will henceforth be used as the delivery method for all required Unforgivable Curses.

“My only concern is that by succumbing to hunger, I’ll lose the ability to manipulate the will of others, impose searing, excruciating agony on naysayers, or strike an unsuspecting Mudblood dead with a well-placed Killing Curse,” Lord Voldemort said, while holding wheels of Camembert and Gruyère cheese and pondering which made him look more French.

“But, if I keep the baguette out of its packaging long enough, I can always use it as a bludgeon if all else fails.”

White Walkers: Nuclear Iran A Non-Threat Without Valyrian Steel, Dragonglass

The Night's King, in an address from beyond the Wall, said he'd
be more scared of Ned Stark in a dress than a nuclear Iran.

THE LANDS OF ALWAYS WINTER—White Walkers have expressed staunch indifference to the torrid political squabbling around the merits of the Iran nuclear deal, saying a nuclear Iran would be powerless to prevent winter from coming without the possession of Valyrian steel or dragonglass, the only known substances capable of killing the mythological race of murderous, white-skinned humanoids.

The Night's King, ruler of the White Walkers and their army of zombie-like Wights currently overrunning vast swaths of territory north of the Wall, said in a televised address from The Lands of Always Winter that Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, could "suck his icy testicles" if he thinks an A-bomb would wield any power over his people or prevent their indiscriminate, systematic slaughter of Wildling villagers, Watchers on the Wall, Braavosi pirates, “pansies” from the South, or “Winterfellian douchebags.”

"Last time I checked, the Iranians didn't have any dragonglass spear heads or swords forged in the days of the Valyrian Freehold,” the horn-headed harbinger of death said, while simultaneously chilling a 12-pack of Bud White in his hands in anticipation of getting blind-drunk later that night. “All one nuclear bomb would do is ignite my atomic farts.”

Linguistic experts had to approximate this translation, however, because the address consisted of a 15-minute-long icy-blue glare of terror rather than any actual words.

Jon Snow, purported bastard son of the late Eddard Stark and the only living man to have slain a White Walker with a Valyrian steel blade, couldn't be reached for comment; his lifeless corpse hadn't yet been reanimated ahead of Game of Thrones Season 6.

After digressing into a rant extolling the virtues of The Old Gods of the Forest over Allah and the teachings of the Quran, the Night's King concluded by urging opponents of the accord to invite him to the negotiating table if they seek a better deal than the one reached in July by Iran and a group of six world powers led by the U.S.

"Obama has to be in bed with the Iranians on this one. His middle name is Hussein, for Christ’s sake," the ex-Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch and ruler of the Nightfort said, as he fed the brain tissue of one unfortunate cameraman to the dead horse on which he was riding. "I’ll get the concessions the Republicans and Israelis seek. Threatening to cross the Narrow Sea and doom the Iranian people for all eternity as undead minions to be exploited in a power play for dominion over Westeros ought to do the trick."

"And if that doesn’t work, I'll threaten to draw a cartoon of Prophet Muhammad.”

All that would be expected in return, the Night's King said, is the sacrifice of all American newborns to the White Walkers' cause. As of press time, all congressional Republicans were backing the arrangement. 

Renowned Jedi Master Uses ‘The Force’ To Produce Galaxy’s Biggest Turd

Luke Skywalker, in the aftermath of his historic bowel movement.

TATOOINE—Celebrated Jedi Master Luke Skywalker today took a break from scheduled intergalactic peacekeeping missions and diplomatic stopovers on alien planets to squat over a toilet bowl and harness the Force to push out what officials have verified as the galaxy’s biggest-ever turd.

Skywalker deposited the five-foot-long, 10-pound monster this morning at his home on the desert planet Tatooine, smashing the Galactic Republic’s previous record of four feet, eight pounds set by notorious crime lord Jabba the Hutt in 1983. Eyewitnesses described the toxic sludge as a "severe water-line breach" that snaked around the bowl several times over and left behind a skid mark not even the most fortuitous Jedi mind could eradicate.

A poster child of the Rebel Alliance, son of notorious Sith Lord Darth Vader, and center fold of this month’s Light Saber Steward magazine, Skywalker called the feat a testament to his unparalleled skill in the ways of the Jedi Order, mastery of training passed down by such luminaries as Yoda and Obi-Wan Kenobi, and the overzealous consumption of five Volcano Burritos, three Crunchy Taco Supremes, and two Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes from Taco Bell.

“Two hours after binge-eating mass quantities of low-grade Mexican food, my stomach let loose a groan louder than a Tauntaun dying from cold on the planet Hoth, and I knew it was on,” the experienced pilot and former moisture farmer said. “Using the ancient Jedi discipline known as Alter, I very carefully manipulated the brown titan until it fully exited my body, which, I might add, took the better part of an hour.”

Underscoring the scope of his historic accomplishment, Skywalker called the bowel movement a task more difficult than navigating the narrow passageways of the Death Star in an X-wing, and lauded the turd as a “foe ten times more formidable than Emperor Palpatine.”

“Now all I need is a plumber as proficient with a plunger as I am with a light saber,” Skywalker said.

Although town officials lamented the overpowering stench emanating from Skywalker’s toilet, which they claim was “worse than a Wookie’s outhouse in July,” the massive dump also gave cause for celebration, the smell reportedly so nauseating it forced the Sand People, a particularly troublesome guerrilla outfit also known as Tusken Raiders, to vacate long-held territory near the Jedi’s domicile.

One Raider, still shell-shocked from the asphyxiating nasal assault, said he’d rather be tossed into the Great Pit of Carkoon and undergo a millennia-long digestion in the stomach of a sarlaac than take a whiff of the “mud monkey” again.

Some of Skywalker’s neighbors described a scene of chaos and pure terror upon inhaling the noxious fumes of the gigantic chocolate banana, many believing it to be a powerful chemical nerve agent unleashed in an apocalyptic fit of retribution by Sith overlords.

“We thought the Dark Side of the Force was to blame. Come to find out, it was just the byproduct of some bean burritos,” one neighbor said.

“A courtesy flush could have saved us a lot of anxiety."