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| The Night's King, in an address from beyond the Wall, said he'd be more scared of Ned Stark in a dress than a nuclear Iran. |
THE LANDS OF ALWAYS WINTER—White Walkers have expressed staunch indifference to the torrid political squabbling around the merits of the Iran nuclear deal, saying a nuclear Iran would be powerless to prevent winter from coming without the possession of Valyrian steel or dragonglass, the only known substances capable of killing the mythological race of murderous, white-skinned humanoids.
The Night's King, ruler of the White Walkers and their army of zombie-like Wights currently overrunning vast swaths of territory north of the Wall, said in a televised address from The Lands of Always Winter that Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, could "suck his icy testicles" if he thinks an A-bomb would wield any power over his people or prevent their indiscriminate, systematic slaughter of Wildling villagers, Watchers on the Wall, Braavosi pirates, “pansies” from the South, or “Winterfellian douchebags.”
"Last time I checked, the Iranians didn't have any dragonglass spear heads or swords forged in the days of the Valyrian Freehold,” the horn-headed harbinger of death said, while simultaneously chilling a 12-pack of Bud White in his hands in anticipation of getting blind-drunk later that night. “All one nuclear bomb would do is ignite my atomic farts.”
Linguistic experts had to approximate this translation, however, because the address consisted of a 15-minute-long icy-blue glare of terror rather than any actual words.
Jon Snow, purported bastard son of the late Eddard Stark and the only living man to have slain a White Walker with a Valyrian steel blade, couldn't be reached for comment; his lifeless corpse hadn't yet been reanimated ahead of Game of Thrones Season 6.
After digressing into a rant extolling the virtues of The Old Gods of the Forest over Allah and the teachings of the Quran, the Night's King concluded by urging opponents of the accord to invite him to the negotiating table if they seek a better deal than the one reached in July by Iran and a group of six world powers led by the U.S.
"Obama has to be in bed with the Iranians on this one. His middle name is Hussein, for Christ’s sake," the ex-Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch and ruler of the Nightfort said, as he fed the brain tissue of one unfortunate cameraman to the dead horse on which he was riding. "I’ll get the concessions the Republicans and Israelis seek. Threatening to cross the Narrow Sea and doom the Iranian people for all eternity as undead minions to be exploited in a power play for dominion over Westeros ought to do the trick."
"And if that doesn’t work, I'll threaten to draw a cartoon of Prophet Muhammad.”
After digressing into a rant extolling the virtues of The Old Gods of the Forest over Allah and the teachings of the Quran, the Night's King concluded by urging opponents of the accord to invite him to the negotiating table if they seek a better deal than the one reached in July by Iran and a group of six world powers led by the U.S.
"Obama has to be in bed with the Iranians on this one. His middle name is Hussein, for Christ’s sake," the ex-Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch and ruler of the Nightfort said, as he fed the brain tissue of one unfortunate cameraman to the dead horse on which he was riding. "I’ll get the concessions the Republicans and Israelis seek. Threatening to cross the Narrow Sea and doom the Iranian people for all eternity as undead minions to be exploited in a power play for dominion over Westeros ought to do the trick."
"And if that doesn’t work, I'll threaten to draw a cartoon of Prophet Muhammad.”
All that would be expected in return, the Night's King said, is the sacrifice of all American newborns to the White Walkers' cause. As of press time, all congressional Republicans were backing the arrangement.
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