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| Authorities are becoming suspicious of the unidentified individual pictured above, who has been religiously attending every major book signing. |
Cairo, Egypt -- As readership of new literary sensation the Book of the Dead has exploded in recent
weeks, mass armies of the undead have risen from their tombs and made their way
into major Egyptian urban areas, leaving a sea of destruction in their wake and
leading many to label the phenomenon as the “11th plague of Egypt.”
The Book of the Dead,
an ancient Egyptian funerary text of magical spells intended to guide the deceased
through the underworld and into the afterlife, has surged ahead of Fifty Shades of Grey to the number one
spot atop the New York Times, USA Today, and Barnes and Noble bestseller lists,
and even received an honorable mention from Oprah’s Book Club. Despite its
recent success, however, readers of the book have inadvertently caused several-thousand-year-old
mummified corpses to emerge from their sarcophagi and prey on humans, using their
bodily organs to regenerate.
“Half of our population have had their vital organs consumed
by undead mummies. They’re starting to become a bit of a nuisance,” Mohammed
Mursi, the newly elected Egyptian president, said in a televised statement.
“They’re sucking the flesh and intestines straight out of people like juice from
a straw, breeding hordes of brainwashed minions to do their evil bidding and
wandering aimlessly around the city, not to mention they smell worse than a
cafeteria bathroom after an all-you-can-eat buffet of sloppy joes.”
“That being said, the
Book of the Dead has changed my life,” Mursi added.
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| The Book of the Dead, pictured here, can unleash the powers of the underworld upon the earth. However, the book is "just so goddamn good," people can't help themselves. |
Aside from a desire to return to their pre-mummified human
forms, the creatures appear hell-bent on reviving mummy bombshell Anck-su-Namun,
best known for her spreads in Hamunaptra’s annual “Best of the Dead” calendar,
and glorified by most male cadavers as their one true love.
One mummy, so consumed by his love for the bandaged beauty,
exclaimed, “AAARRRGGGG OOOOOOGGGG AANNNCCKK-SUUUU-NNAMMUNNN BBBBAAAAAAAAA,”
which, according to an on-site translator, before his brains were sucked from
his skull, means: “For a dead chick, Anch-su-Namun is a f*cking babe. Let’s just say I’m ready to make woopie. ”
The burning passion to sleep with Anck-su-Namun has
heightened an already dangerous situation, as people unable to produce details
of Ms. Namun’s whereabouts become victims of violent frustration. In one particularly
gruesome report, a mummy kneed a man square in the testicles, then, realizing
he’d probably need a sex organ to “do the nasty” with Ms. Namun, ripped the
man’s genitals from his body.
“Now some bandaged freak is hobbling around with my balls
and shaft,” the victim, Mohammed el-Bariah, said. “My wife is going to kill
me.”
The mummy infestation stems from book publishers, who, after
“exhausting virtually every viable story idea we had,” according to one
industry executive, turned to the Book of
the Dead as a last resort. The book was an instant hit, making publishing
companies mountains of cash as it sat atop bestseller lists for weeks, and
prompting them to publish translations of the funerary text in virtually every
language to take advantage of its seemingly universal appeal.
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| What looks like a mob of fans lined up for a Justin Bieber concert is actually hundreds of unruly Book of the Dead junkies waiting outside a book store to pick up their pre-ordered copies. |
“What can I say? It sells,” said another exec as the
reporters around him were having their faces eaten off for regeneration. “We
knew the risks, the worldwide calamities it would cause, yada yada yada … But
you have to look at it from our perspective. We’re just trying to make a little
money.”
Publishers have come under fire, however, to discontinue publication
indefinitely as the death toll mounts. But industry moguls, emboldened by
profits “larger than the Pharaoh’s army of Hebrew slaves,” are refusing,
prompting the international community to promote the release of the golden Book of Amun-Ra, known as the “Book of
the Living,” as a countermeasure.
Die-hard fans are outraged by the call to get rid of the Book of the Dead, and have been
picketing outside major publishing houses day and night alongside several mummies
who support their cause. When asked what
they liked about the book, the fans and mummies mindlessly chanted “Immmhoooteppp”
before savagely murdering a team of reporters.
Imhotep, the primary beneficiary of the Book of the Dead’s recent
surge in popularity, stated, “I couldn’t be happier with the way the book’s
been flying off the shelves. This way, I can forge an undead army, bang
Anck-Su-Namun, murder Rick O’Connell’s family, and rule the earth. I’m ecstatic!”
