Spartan Warriors Hired as Mall’s New Security Detail

The mall's new security force forms a phalanx in preparation of an
attack against a man taking too many free samples at the food court.

Chicago, IL -- Downtown Chicago, meet the Spartans. Owners of an upscale shopping mall in the city’s downtown area shocked the public early last week after hiring 300 Spartan warriors as the mall’s new security detail, an immense increase from the eight unarmed security guards of the previous staff. The decision to employ the renowned defenders of the Hot Gates of Thermopylae came in the wake of reportedly high criminal activity at the shopping complex, which has recently been plagued by petty crimes.

The Spartans’ efforts have thus far contributed to a 100 percent reduction in the mall’s crime rate, and have led to the massacre of 24 would-be criminals. In one of the stranger occurrences, they stopped a perpetrator as he exited a restroom in the mall’s food court, claiming that he had “left an upper decker in the public bathroom.” When asked what an upper decker was, Leonidas angrily yelled that it’s “when a person takes a dump in the tank instead of the toilet.”  Rather than bring the culprit in for questioning, the Spartans forced the man to grease their abs for an entire afternoon.

Leonidas sends a TGI Friday's
customer to his demise for
 leaving an abysmal tip.  

“They’re law enforcement machines,” Howard Ritter, co-owner of the shopping complex, said of the Spartans. “The minute I saw a soldier hurl a spear clear through the chest of a teenager loitering outside Friendly’s, I knew this was the best decision I’ve ever made. I’ll admit it may have been a bit of an overreaction, seeing as the guy died instantaneously and all, but you can’t argue with the results we’ve been getting. They may be reckless, but my God they get the job done.”

The Spartans’ questionable security methods have led to the outrage of many in the Chicago community. The national organization Mothers Against Spartan Security (MASS) drafted a petition calling for the swift termination of these 300 employees, which is currently in circulation around the neighborhood. The group is attempting to rally as much support as possible so that the downtown community can “finally be rid of these roided-out Spartan meatheads,” as MASS president Sharon Silverstein commented.

In one highly controversial maneuver, King Leonidas, who had apprehended a man stealing NERF guns and Pokémon trading cards for his children, kicked the shoplifter down a bottomless pit of death, which had been installed in the mall so that Spartan security could make examples out of criminals.

“These Spartan f***sticks are a menace,” Silverstein added. “Most of the time they do more harm than good. Last week, a six-year-old girl was leaving a candy store holding a bag of treats and was prevented from exiting the store by the Spartans, who had assembled into a phalanx near the entrance. They claimed that the girl looked suspicious, and consequently proceeded to pierce the candy bag several times with their spears. And to add insult to injury, one soldier then form tackled the poor girl. These guys may have chiseled abs and they may be incredible warriors, but they’re dangerous, and they need to go.”

The Governor of California Has Actually Been the Terminator This Entire Time

A recent snapshot of the governor,
who was overjoyed after a recent boost in
his approval rating.

Sacramento, CA -- During what was supposed to be a routine budget hearing in the California State Capitol building this afternoon, the legislature received a huge shock after discovering that the Terminator, also known as Cyberdyne Systems Model 101, has been governing California for the past eight years under the assumption of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s identity.

The cyborg assassin mistakenly revealed his true identity after appearing at the Capitol completely naked in a ball of lightning. When asked about the state budget, the cyborg engaged in a 15-minute discourse about the rise of machines and the imminent destruction of the human race by the artificial intelligence network he referred to as “Skynet.” When Gavin Newsom, the President of the California Senate, interrupted, asking if there was “any link whatsoever between robots and California’s fiscal situation,” the Terminator reached for a double-barreled shotgun beneath the podium and shot the congressman directly in the testicles. The cyborg impostor then fled the Capitol and hasn’t been seen since.  

While the public and government officials are astonished and traumatized by the discovery of the governor’s true identity as an unstoppable killing machine from the future, many feel that there have been subtle indications that the governor wasn’t who he claimed to be.

“We’ve been suspicious for several months now,” John Pérez, the Speaker of the Assembly, said. “Every single time he is questioned by female reporters on political issues, he asks if they are ‘Sarah Connor’ or if they know of her whereabouts.  When they would say no, he’d walk away without answering any questions. At the time, we just thought that all Austrians were d*****bags. But after today’s incident, there’s no question that our governor has actually been a hunk of metal for the past eight years.”

“In hindsight, I guess it was pretty obvious that he was the Terminator,” Bob Dutton, the California Senate Minority Leader, added. “He was clipped by a car one time while we were walking out to lunch, and his arm was torn off at the elbow. You could imagine my surprise when I glanced over and noticed that his arm contained a metallic endoskeleton with intricate electric circuitry. It was a really awkward moment.  He looked embarrassed, so I chose not to say anything. Plus, I was afraid he’d call me a ‘Girly man’ in his thick Austrian accent if I did. That would’ve sucked.”

The governor arrives stark
naked  at a legislative asembly.

Today’s incident has sparked nation-wide outrage and confusion, as many have wondered how a relentless military cyborg could have infiltrated the government and gotten past all security protocols.

“We really dropped the ball on this one. I mean we royally f****ed up,” George Bernard, head of the governor’s security detail, said in a statement addressing the public’s outcry. “We thought Austrians were just weird people. I guess we’ll have to watch government officials a little more closely in the future, especially the ones with foreign backgrounds.”

Federal investigators searched Schwarzenegger’s apartment after the assembly, as it was believed that the cyborg was using the residence as a hideout. All they discovered, however, was IBM’s Watson, a recent winner on Jeopardy, shattered into several pieces.  Experts speculate that the Terminator believed Watson to be a rival machine produced by Skynet, and that he was finally able to rip the machine’s head off after several hours of intense, hand-to-hand combat.

Sacramento police spokesperson Bob Dreyfus expressed that the police department is taking the matter of a murdering robot on the loose extremely seriously, but that the public shouldn’t be too concerned.  

“We’ll catch that metallic bast**d in no time,” he said. “Where there are big explosions and mass carnage, he won’t be far behind. Plus, we recruited the highly superior T-1000, which is of course our renowned nanomorph mimetic liquid metal assassin. He'll hunt this turd down.”

Voldemort Responsible for Escape of Bronx Zoo’s Egyptian Cobra

This asp, which Voldemort tried recruiting to help him conquer
the world, declined the offer because it would never in its
life take orders from such an ugly motherf***er.

Bronx, NY -- The Egyptian cobra that went missing from its off-exhibit enclosure at the Bronx Zoo’s Reptile House last week isn’t the escape artist some believe it to be. In a press conference earlier this morning, zoo officials stated that security cameras in the compound provide clear video evidence that the asp was assisted in its escape by Lord Voldemort, the infamous dark wizard defeated by Harry Potter several years ago in a highly publicized wand duel.

“This was a classic case of Dark Wizardry,” zoo director James Beheny said. “Voldemort can be seen apparating into the building and unlocking the enclosure door with the standard ‘Alohomora’ incantation.”

“This wizard needs to be brought to justice,” Beheny added. “Forget the threat he poses to society, forget the hundreds of innocent people he’s tortured and murdered. That a**hole touched my snake. He’s a menace to the zoological world, and he’ll pay for what he’s done.”

NYPD spokesperson Matthew Clarke confirmed that Voldemort was found merely hours after the press conference, and that police are now holding him for questioning before transferring him to Azkaban prison. Authorities were made aware of Voldemort’s whereabouts by a pet store employee, who noticed a strange man “missing a nose” who “appeared to be flirting with the store’s reptilian merchandise.”

“That sketchball was stroking the snakes in a sexually suggestive way while speaking some sort of jibberish that sounded like snake hissing,” said the employee, who wished to remain anonymous due to possible Death Eater retribution. “Don’t get me wrong, I’ve grown to expect people to get affectionate with puppies and kittens when they come to shop for a pet, but this was too much. Watching that red-eyed pervert with the snakes was enough to make me never read another Harry Potter book. I decided to call the police and report the guy because he was such a huge freak.”

Voldemort admitted during questioning that the attempt to free the Egyptian cobra was part of a large-scale operation aiming to amass a great army of venomous snakes, which would enable him to reclaim his former position as a universally feared, omnipotent Dark Lord.

“The plan was flawless. Every part of it,” Voldemort said from his cell while playing prison-themed blues songs on his harmonica. “After watching Snakes on a Plane on blu-ray, I recognized the terrifying nature of snakes in the absence of Samuel L. Jackson. I knew they would be the perfect minions to help me in my quest for world domination.”

Voldemort’s plan was foiled, however, when the cobra refused to do his bidding, telling him plainly in Parseltongue to ‘F*** off.’  

“I tried to liberate that b**ch of a snake from the shackles of zoo oppression and recruit it for my cause,” Voldemort commented. “But then it dissed me, and I wanted to punish it for insubordination against the all-powerful Snake Lord. Instead of torturing the snake with the always-reliable Cruciatus Curse, I left it for zoo employees. I assumed they would find the snake within hours and lock it back up. Little did I know it would take those Mudbloods seven days to find the thing about two feet away from where it originally disappeared. It didn’t even need an Invisibility Cloak or anything.”

The cobra, which was returned to its enclosure at the Bronx Zoo this past Thursday, was available for comment on Voldemort’s statements. However, translation was impossible because the only interpreter available was immediately bitten by the snake and was declared legally dead 15 minutes later.

Mr. Beheny was thrilled upon receiving news of Voldemort’s capture, calling it “an event that will go down in zoological history.” He seemed most content, however, in knowing that the Egyptian cobra was finally back in its cage.

“The Bronx Zoo has had to withstand harsh criticism all week long due to the delayed retrieval of the snake,” he said. “If that cobra helped the Dark Lord rise back to power, the press would have had a field day.  In other words, we would’ve been completely f***ed.”