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| Gandalf the Grey outside Frodo Baggins' residence in Hobbiton. |
Detroit, MI -- Gandalf the Grey, the renowned wizard of Middle Earth who played an integral role in the defeat of Sauron, is currently under investigation by police after having reportedly used his magic to severely wound an elderly driver on the Detroit interstate earlier this afternoon. The wounded motorist, who cut off the wizard as he drove in the left lane, was most likely the cause of the violent outburst, according to eyewitnesses of the accident.
Han Solo, who is one such eyewitness, was able to shed some light on this afternoon’s events.
“Chewbacca and I were driving right behind Gandalf when the incident occurred,” Solo said. “He was driving a convertible with the top down and my car windows were open, so I could hear him yelling. When the car cut him off from the right lane, he went ape shit. It was like something straight out of a movie. The only words of his I could make out were, ‘You shall not pass…on the right!’”
Gandalf’s weapon of choice was his wooden wizard staff, which he hadn’t used since his defeat of the Balrog in the Mines of Moria. As he was cut off, the wizard aimed the staff at Beatrice Prunes, the 86-year-old driver, from the interior of his convertible. Gandalf muttered an inaudible incantation, after which there was a blinding light and a huge explosion as the spell hit its mark, Solo said.
Chewbacca was also available for commentary after the incident. However, without an interpreter on the scene, the Wookie’s growling was incomprehensible and couldn’t be translated for publication.
Authorities are still on the hunt for Gandalf, who fled the scene after he inflicted the damage. It was reported that the wizard was en route to the residence of Frodo Baggins, his closest friend, who was interviewed just after the incident.
“I had invited him over for second breakfasts,” Baggins said as he tended his garden in Hobbiton. “It’s such an unfortunate occurrence. He has terrible road rage, and he’s been going to classes to help with his anger. His progress looked so promising, too.”
Today’s incident is not the first time the wizard has lashed out violently due to his anger on the road. According to authorities, Gandalf reacted in a similar manner when a goblin drove through a stop sign and the two nearly collided in the intersection. He was driving home from an AA session at the time. The goblin was hospitalized for six months after the wizard’s violent outburst.
Authorities say that finding Gandalf is their top priority.
“This man is dangerous, and we won’t rest until he’s brought to justice,” said Billy Club, chief of the local Detroit police department. “Due to his long beard, grey cloak, and enormous wooden staff, we believe that we have a good chance of spotting him on the street. We will not, however, underestimate his wizarding abilities.”
