Tom Brady, minion of Mordor, delivers Super Bowl ring to Dark Lord Sauron

Tom Brady, gazing upon his master with unhinged admiration, can't
help but wonder why the Great Eye isn't wearing any Patriots swag.  

MORDOR – Tom Brady, famed quarterback of the New England Patriots and a top lieutenant to Dark Lord Sauron, just minutes after winning Super Bowl LIII began the grueling, days-long journey by horseback to deliver the coveted Super Bowl ring to his master in Mordor, the sinister realm at the outer reaches of Middle Earth.

Brady, a six-time champion of the National Football League, made haste from Mercedes-Benz Stadium immediately upon defeating the Los Angeles Rams on Sunday evening — forgoing the traditional displays of jubilant disbelief, long, tearful hugs shared among family members, and media interviews replete with iterations of “I just want to thank God” — in order to kneel before the Great Eye and present him with the Ring of Power.

“Seeing the look of pure, unadulterated joy in my master’s eye when I held the One Ring before him in my open palm felt better than any Gatorade showers from Belichick or victory blowies I could have received from Gisele,” said Brady, laughing maniacally and tilting his head upward toward the blackened sky, thick with volcanic ash, as he unleashed a guttural, pulsing growl in the fashion of the Uruk-hai.

Sauron, a colossal, lidless eye ensconced in flame and stationed atop the Tower of Barad Dur, nestled in the threatening shadow of Mount Doom, coveted the Super Bowl’s chief prize beyond all else, believing it to be the One Ring of Power that would finally bestow him with the necessary life force to retake physical form and crush the inhabitants of Middle Earth into subservience and despair.

The omnipotent harbinger of death believed Brady to be his best chance to recover the jewel, according to sources familiar with the Great Eye, who guaranteed the 41-year-old QB a starting position in the NFL indefinitely, regardless of the inexorable decay of skill and agility caused by the aging body. Brady agreed enthusiastically, without the glimpse of a second thought or even the slightest hesitation.

As of press time, Sauron, discovering that the ring didn't carry any magical qualities and was in fact just a useless sports trinket, ordered the Ring-wraiths to gut Brady with a Morgul blade and feed his entrails to a Fellbeast.