Batman Pivots to Daytime Crime-Fighting Due to Raging Night Life

Batman, 23 beers deep, was kicked out of a local dive after
repeatedly playing Meat Loaf's 'Bat Out of Hell' over the jukebox
and running around the bar stark naked. He proceeded to
fall asleep in an alley, in a puddle of his own urine. 

GOTHAM CITY -- Batman, renowned masked guardian of the Gotham metropolis, has decided to trade in a life of crime-fighting under the cover of darkness for one in broad daylight, citing a newfound propensity for late-night binge-drinking that pushes into the morning hours and renders the vigilante too "shit hammered" to incapacitate the city's villainous scum.

"Once the Fireball shots start flowing, you can count on me drooling all over myself by midnight," Batman said in a coughing fit induced by one totally righteous bong rip.

With increasing frequency, Gotham's elite have invited Batman to private evening soirées at their estates in an attempt to curry favor with the superhero and author of acclaimed best-selling novel Bats: Not Just for Baseball.

The caped crusader has even taken to hosting ecstasy-fueled raves in the Batcave, decking out the subterranean lair with strobe lights, body-numbing electronic music, KY Jelly wrestling matches, inflatable swimming pools filled with jungle juice, and thousands upon thousands of Jell-O shots.

The parties, however, are typically ill-attended due to the swarms of giant bats and impossibility of actually finding the entrance.

The unfettered partying has led to a skyrocketing crime rate in Gotham City, as tactics that were successful while apprehending criminals in the dark -- namely, obscuring movement through master-class stealth -- prove completely useless while wearing a jet-black suit complete with cape and bat ears in the middle of the day.

Further, Gotham’s protector is typically more hungover than a boatful of French sailors to be of any use, often complicating fairly textbook situations, eyewitnesses say.

In one particularly egregious misstep, Batman, while chasing down a man for a routine parking offense, drove the Bat Mobile straight into a school bus full of nuns going on a religious retreat.

"Ever get a hangover after drinking wine spritzers for seven straight hours? They’re gnarly as fuck," the winged watchdog said in his defense, right before grabbing a 24-ounce can of Busch Light and shot-gunning it in three seconds flat.

Batman has also disturbed the peace countless times, leading the public to call for his arrest and describe him as “worse than a festering pile of guano.”

Most recently, after smoking a bowl of “the dankest Sour Diesel in Gotham,” he headed to a McDonald’s drive-through, ordered five Big Macs and a 50-piece McNugget, and then began yelling “RACHELLLLLLLL!!!!!!” into the microphone over and over after forgetting why he was even there in the first place.

Gotham officials have sparred over the best course of action to handle the ongoing nuisance, going back and forth between pinning Batman on obstruction-of-justice charges, or letting him continue down a spiraling path of slow alcoholic decay that will cause him indescribable pain after losing his possessions, property, loved ones and, ultimately, any scraps of dignity that still remain.

As of press time, they were leaning toward the latter.