Renowned Jedi Master Uses ‘The Force’ To Produce Galaxy’s Biggest Turd

Luke Skywalker, in the aftermath of his historic bowel movement.

TATOOINE—Celebrated Jedi Master Luke Skywalker today took a break from scheduled intergalactic peacekeeping missions and diplomatic stopovers on alien planets to squat over a toilet bowl and harness the Force to push out what officials have verified as the galaxy’s biggest-ever turd.

Skywalker deposited the five-foot-long, 10-pound monster this morning at his home on the desert planet Tatooine, smashing the Galactic Republic’s previous record of four feet, eight pounds set by notorious crime lord Jabba the Hutt in 1983. Eyewitnesses described the toxic sludge as a "severe water-line breach" that snaked around the bowl several times over and left behind a skid mark not even the most fortuitous Jedi mind could eradicate.

A poster child of the Rebel Alliance, son of notorious Sith Lord Darth Vader, and center fold of this month’s Light Saber Steward magazine, Skywalker called the feat a testament to his unparalleled skill in the ways of the Jedi Order, mastery of training passed down by such luminaries as Yoda and Obi-Wan Kenobi, and the overzealous consumption of five Volcano Burritos, three Crunchy Taco Supremes, and two Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes from Taco Bell.

“Two hours after binge-eating mass quantities of low-grade Mexican food, my stomach let loose a groan louder than a Tauntaun dying from cold on the planet Hoth, and I knew it was on,” the experienced pilot and former moisture farmer said. “Using the ancient Jedi discipline known as Alter, I very carefully manipulated the brown titan until it fully exited my body, which, I might add, took the better part of an hour.”

Underscoring the scope of his historic accomplishment, Skywalker called the bowel movement a task more difficult than navigating the narrow passageways of the Death Star in an X-wing, and lauded the turd as a “foe ten times more formidable than Emperor Palpatine.”

“Now all I need is a plumber as proficient with a plunger as I am with a light saber,” Skywalker said.

Although town officials lamented the overpowering stench emanating from Skywalker’s toilet, which they claim was “worse than a Wookie’s outhouse in July,” the massive dump also gave cause for celebration, the smell reportedly so nauseating it forced the Sand People, a particularly troublesome guerrilla outfit also known as Tusken Raiders, to vacate long-held territory near the Jedi’s domicile.

One Raider, still shell-shocked from the asphyxiating nasal assault, said he’d rather be tossed into the Great Pit of Carkoon and undergo a millennia-long digestion in the stomach of a sarlaac than take a whiff of the “mud monkey” again.

Some of Skywalker’s neighbors described a scene of chaos and pure terror upon inhaling the noxious fumes of the gigantic chocolate banana, many believing it to be a powerful chemical nerve agent unleashed in an apocalyptic fit of retribution by Sith overlords.

“We thought the Dark Side of the Force was to blame. Come to find out, it was just the byproduct of some bean burritos,” one neighbor said.

“A courtesy flush could have saved us a lot of anxiety."

Bored White Walkers Spur New Breed of ‘White Runners’

White Runners feature prominently in Gatorade's new advertising campaign,
which tracks a several-mile-long workout through the Seven Kingdoms of
Westeros. The sponsorship is reportedly worth more gold than the fortune
of Xaro Xhoan Daxos, the richest man in Qarth.   

North of the Wall – Five members of the mythological race known as White Walkers, frustrated by the limitations of placing one cold, lifeless foot in front of the other in painfully slow succession, have parted with the sluggish ways of their people to form a sister breed known as “White Runners,” according to a new study published in science journal Westeros Weekly.

The 834-page report, titled White Walkers: Misunderstood, or Just F***ing Douchebags?, claims “sheer and utter boredom” caused some White Walkers – ancient, white-skinned humanoids from the polar regions beyond the Wall, notorious for causing the generation-long winter and reanimating the dead as zombie-like Wights – to contemplate the benefits of quickening their pace while on the hunt for humans to maim and decapitate.

"I first sensed something was wrong after we had been marching for nine hours and only traveled the length of a football field,” said Orguula, a White Runner, while using his newly found speed to sprint to Bed, Bath and Beyond in time for a clearance sale on blankets, after hearing that winter is coming. “As the Old Gods are my witness, even our horses move slower than Bran Stark, and he’s f***ing paralyzed.”

A White Runner, captivated by the
beauty of a pair of Pumas laid in the
snow by a researcher. Unfortunately,
the man took too long to document
 the event, and he his head was
swiftly ripped off.

“Whereas before, I’d see potential human victims and think to myself, ‘If I could only catch up, I’d rip the guts from their still-writhing bodies, stick their heads on spikes and feast upon their brain fluid,’ now I see humans and my daydreams can finally become a reality,” added Adorrka, another convert, as he happily sucked down the bone marrow of a Wildling. “My life now is so much more exciting and fulfilling than it ever was before, and I have running to thank for that.”

The study is the result of four years of meticulous research and observation by hundreds of renowned biologists, sociologists and Game of Thrones super-nerds enthralled by White Walkers. The scientists, as well as the self-proclaimed dorks – who at times hindered research due to lengthy arguments over whether Arya would ever again see Jaqen H’ghar, whether Daenerys would ever make it across the Narrow Sea with her dragons, and which woman on the show had the best set of breasts – involved admit that the survey could have been completed by “10-15 people tops,” if it weren’t for the “ice-di*ked a**holes” murdering virtually every member of the team.

“Believe me, the fact that they’re undead and all makes them a scientific marvel and fascinating specimens. But they’re vicious bast**ds to say the least,” said Stanley Rottingham, the team’s head researcher. “Anytime someone tried getting within 10 feet of a White Walker, the blue-eyed menaces would take a razor-sharp ice spear and ram it straight through their chest. It was a risk we were all willing to take.”

“We finally discovered that such was their newfound enamor with running, we could distract them just long enough for quick observations by enticing them with top-of-the-line Nikes and Aasics,” Rottingham continued. “Of course, we had to get the hell out of there once the shoes were all laced up. Those f***ers are damn fast.”

Ancient Egyptian Mummies Terrorize Capital as 'Book of the Dead' Tops Bestseller Lists

Authorities are becoming suspicious of the unidentified individual
 pictured above, who has been religiously attending every major book signing.

Cairo, Egypt -- As readership of new literary sensation the Book of the Dead has exploded in recent weeks, mass armies of the undead have risen from their tombs and made their way into major Egyptian urban areas, leaving a sea of destruction in their wake and leading many to label the phenomenon as the “11^th plague of Egypt.”

The Book of the Dead, an ancient Egyptian funerary text of magical spells intended to guide the deceased through the underworld and into the afterlife, has surged ahead of Fifty Shades of Grey to the number one spot atop the New York Times, USA Today, and Barnes and Noble bestseller lists, and even received an honorable mention from Oprah’s Book Club. Despite its recent success, however, readers of the book have inadvertently caused several-thousand-year-old mummified corpses to emerge from their sarcophagi and prey on humans, using their bodily organs to regenerate.

“Half of our population have had their vital organs consumed by undead mummies. They’re starting to become a bit of a nuisance,” Mohammed Mursi, the newly elected Egyptian president, said in a televised statement. “They’re sucking the flesh and intestines straight out of people like juice from a straw, breeding hordes of brainwashed minions to do their evil bidding and wandering aimlessly around the city, not to mention they smell worse than a cafeteria bathroom after an all-you-can-eat buffet of sloppy joes.”

“That being said, the Book of the Dead has changed my life,” Mursi added.  

The Book of the Dead, pictured here,
can unleash the powers of the
underworld upon the earth.
However, the book is "just so
goddamn good," people can't
help themselves.

Aside from a desire to return to their pre-mummified human forms, the creatures appear hell-bent on reviving mummy bombshell Anck-su-Namun, best known for her spreads in Hamunaptra’s annual “Best of the Dead” calendar, and glorified by most male cadavers as their one true love.

One mummy, so consumed by his love for the bandaged beauty, exclaimed, “AAARRRGGGG OOOOOOGGGG AANNNCCKK-SUUUU-NNAMMUNNN BBBBAAAAAAAAA,” which, according to an on-site translator, before his brains were sucked from his skull, means: “For a dead chick, Anch-su-Namun is a f*cking babe.  Let’s just say I’m ready to make woopie. ”

The burning passion to sleep with Anck-su-Namun has heightened an already dangerous situation, as people unable to produce details of Ms. Namun’s whereabouts become victims of violent frustration. In one particularly gruesome report, a mummy kneed a man square in the testicles, then, realizing he’d probably need a sex organ to “do the nasty” with Ms. Namun, ripped the man’s genitals from his body.

“Now some bandaged freak is hobbling around with my balls and shaft,” the victim, Mohammed el-Bariah, said. “My wife is going to kill me.”

The mummy infestation stems from book publishers, who, after “exhausting virtually every viable story idea we had,” according to one industry executive, turned to the Book of the Dead as a last resort. The book was an instant hit, making publishing companies mountains of cash as it sat atop bestseller lists for weeks, and prompting them to publish translations of the funerary text in virtually every language to take advantage of its seemingly universal appeal.

What looks like a mob of fans lined up for a Justin Bieber
 concert is actually hundreds of unruly Book of the Dead
 junkies waiting outside a book store to pick up their
pre-ordered copies.

“What can I say? It sells,” said another exec as the reporters around him were having their faces eaten off for regeneration. “We knew the risks, the worldwide calamities it would cause, yada yada yada … But you have to look at it from our perspective. We’re just trying to make a little money.”

Publishers have come under fire, however, to discontinue publication indefinitely as the death toll mounts. But industry moguls, emboldened by profits “larger than the Pharaoh’s army of Hebrew slaves,” are refusing, prompting the international community to promote the release of the golden Book of Amun-Ra, known as the “Book of the Living,” as a countermeasure.

Die-hard fans are outraged by the call to get rid of the Book of the Dead, and have been picketing outside major publishing houses day and night alongside several mummies who support their cause.  When asked what they liked about the book, the fans and mummies mindlessly chanted “Immmhoooteppp” before savagely murdering a team of reporters.

Imhotep, the primary beneficiary of the Book of the Dead’s recent surge in popularity, stated, “I couldn’t be happier with the way the book’s been flying off the shelves. This way, I can forge an undead army, bang Anck-Su-Namun, murder Rick O’Connell’s family, and rule the earth. I’m ecstatic!”

Dark Wizard Saruman Under Investigation for Foul Behavior at Child’s Birthday Party

In an act of pure rage, Saruman desperately tries to squeeze a fart
in a boy's face after he refused to pull his finger.

Piedmont, ND -- Saruman the White, the wizard of Isengard notorious for his dealings with former dark lord Sauron, the destruction of Fangorn Forest and the breeding of mass armies of Uruk-hai, has come under intense scrutiny and criticism following his recent outburst at a child’s birthday party.

The infamous wizard, who was left unemployed after the Great Eye’s downfall and flooding of his kingdom by an army of Ents, and who subsequently resorted to renting out his wizarding services and performing mundane magic tricks for various parties, lashed out at a six-year-old girl for a seemingly innocent comment made during a performance earlier this week.

“After Saruman failed to guess little Suzie’s card for the third time in a row, she said Gandalf could get it in one try,” Molly Ericson, the girl’s mother, explained. “He freaked the f*** out. He summoned a cave troll to eat all of the other children at the party and called Ringwraiths to Suzie’s bedroom to stab her favorite stuffed animals with a Morgul blade.”

“The d***head even blew out her birthday candles and then smashed the piñata in the front yard for good measure,” added Rufus Dinn, the girl’s uncle. “Needless to say, that’s the last dark wizard we’ll ever use as entertainment.”

The Out of Work Wizards Association (OWWA), a national organization helping unemployed wizards find full- and part-time jobs, and which landed Saruman his newest gig as party entertainer, has launched an investigation of the incident to determine if his entertaining license should be revoked.

“Unfortunately, this is not an isolated circumstance,” said OWWA president Stanley Brent. “We’ve received complaints about Saruman before. At a boy’s Bar Mitzvah celebration this past year, he brought out a bucket of white paint and started branding the children with the White Hand of Saruman, later claiming it was only face paint.”

He then stood on stage and yelled, “You do not know pain, you do not know fear. You will taste man flesh!” before preparing to reveal the dark secrets behind a Chinese finger trap.

“It was disturbing and rather off color,” Brent continued.

One witness, traumatized by Saruman’s actions at a Halloween party this past October, described how after wowing the crowd with a particularly well-executed balloon animal, the wizard boasted about his past evil accomplishments, saying if the crowd thought the balloon was impressive, they would’ve really loved seeing the 10,000-strong army of Uruk-hai he bred to assault the Rohirrim fortress of Helm’s Deep and wipe the race of men from Middle Earth.

OWWA has placed Saruman on probation for his actions, and based on the investigation’s findings he could be permanently barred from ever entertaining at parties again. Regardless of what the probe uncovers, the recent accusations have stained what has otherwise been an untarnished record of successful placements by OWWA, which has helped several of today’s most celebrated wizards achieve their fame. 

One such wizard, Gandalf the Grey, was a plumber in Mordor before finding his recent gig as protector of Middle Earth and becoming an overnight wizard sensation.

Fearing he may lose his entertainment
license, Saruman auditions for renowned
Middle Earth boy band N'Mordor,
claiming he can be the "grungy
drug addict" in the group. 

“OWWA made me what I am today,” Gandalf said. “I owe the organization enormously, because without them, I may still be scrubbing troll poo off bathroom floors instead of helping to vanquish mass armies of darkness. And now that major a-hole Saruman has smeared their name worse than any troll’s skid mark.”

Brent has tried to remain optimistic about the situation, but as news of Saruman’s outburst spreads nationally, witnesses continue to pour in with new incriminating information.

“It doesn’t look good,” Brent said of the investigation. “I have to hear testimony from a man later about a supposed streaking incident when Saruman tried giving a live demonstration of how Uruk-hai are born.”

Even with piles of evidence gathering against Saruman by the day, the Top Five Ugliest Men of the Year nominee and current Viagra spokesman staunchly advocates that he should be allowed to keep his entertaining license, demanding that people be more tolerant of his situation.

“How would you react if you failed to acquire the Ring of Power and subjugate all of Middle Earth to your will and domination? I’ll give you the answer – pretty f***ing terrible,” Saruman said in defense of his recent actions, while simultaneously gazing into his seeing-stone to ascertain whether he might have a better career as an underwear model. “I have the power to bring down mountains and see the events of the future, and yet all these little sh**s want is to see me pull a rabbit out of a hat. So excuse me if I get a little upset.”

Treebeard Sues Employer for Wrongful Termination

Treebeard, an Ent, works hard as he attempts to mix
a customer's drink in less than 10 minutes.

Philadelphia, PA -- Treebeard, an Ent hailing from Middle Earth’s Fangorn Forest, filed a suit today against the owner of Joe’s Pub for what he described as an unwarranted termination of employment from his job as a bartender. The 14-foot-tall tree herder, who is the oldest member of his race, claims that his termination stems not from his work ethic during his four months of employment, but from the bigotry of his boss, evidenced by disrespectful treatment and by the use of derogatory remarks aimed at Ents on a consistent basis.

“MYYYY BOSSSS WASSSS AAA HUUUGGGEEE D******CCCHHHEEE,” Treebeard said in the guttural growl inherent to the Ent species. “USSSEEDDD TOOO CAAALLL MEEEE AAA ‘KNNOOBBBYYY B*******TAAAARRRDDD’ ANNDDD WOOUUULLLDDD LIIGGGHHHTTT MYYY BRRAANNNCCCHHEESSS ONNN FIIIRRREEEE IFFFF III MEESSSSEEDDD UPPPP ANNN ORRRDDDEERRR. PLLUUSSSS, HEEEE SAAAIIIDDD III WAASSS SLLLOOOWWWEERRR THHAANNN HIIISSSS REEETTTAAARRRDDEEDDD SOOONNNN. VERRRYYYY DEEGGGRRADDDIINNNGGG STTUUFFF.”

“BUTTTT USSSS ENNNTTTSSS CANNN’TTT HEELLPPP ITTTT,” he continued. “WEEEE LIKKKEEEE TOOO TAAAKKKEEE OUUURRR TIIIMMMMEEE.”

Treebeard was available for additional comment, but unfortunately the Ent liaison conducting the interview fell asleep after enduring 15 minutes of drawn-out dialogue that only wielded three full sentences, and was therefore unable to offer any more insight into what Treebeard said.

Richard Lackey, the renowned Ent historian and author of several New York Times bestselling books, including Trees Have Feelings, Too and Ents and Elves and Nazgul, Oh My!, supports Treebeard’s assertion that this is a case of wrongful termination, with discrimination as the underlying motive. He claims that Ents are a cautious, patient race who operate with a sense of time suited much more to trees than to humans. Lackey argues that humans, who live a much faster-paced lifestyle due to their exponentially shorter lives than trees, should consequently be more understanding of the slowness of these tree people.

“While researching for my books, I came across the story of an Ent from the Second Age of Middle Earth named Maplehead who once took three whole days to drop a deuce,” Lackey said. “Imagine the kind of patience it takes to squat down for 72 hours while trying to take the Browns to the Superbowl. It’s impressive, to say the least.”

“The owner of Joe’s Pub was not sensitive to Treebeard’s sluggishness in this case,” he added. “He should have to pay through the nose for the blatant mistreatment of his employee.”

Frank Reese, the owner of the pub, stated that although this will be a tough case to win, he thinks he has a strong defense that will trump the accusations of the “leafy-headed freak.”   

“Treebeard was singlehandedly destroying my business, and I had no choice but to let him go,” Reese said. “I’d try to help out by giving him shifts in the middle of the afternoon when business was the slowest and it seemed like five people would come in every hour. But there’d still be lines out the door because he took 20 minutes to pour each drink, and customers would get really pissed off. Not to mention there’d always be squirrels or birds nesting on his head and running around the bar, which violates I don’t know how many health sanctions.”

Despite having what he feels is a winning defense, Reese admits that the trial could prove to be too unbearable for him, and that he might settle with Treebeard just to avoid hearing his testimony.

“If I have to listen to that bark-brained s**thead ramble on for hours upon hours in that courtroom, I’m throwing in the towel,” he said. “I’ll dish out any kind of money if it would just get him to keep his big f***ing wooden mouth shut.”

Spartan Warriors Hired as Mall’s New Security Detail

The mall's new security force forms a phalanx in preparation of an
attack against a man taking too many free samples at the food court.

Chicago, IL -- Downtown Chicago, meet the Spartans. Owners of an upscale shopping mall in the city’s downtown area shocked the public early last week after hiring 300 Spartan warriors as the mall’s new security detail, an immense increase from the eight unarmed security guards of the previous staff. The decision to employ the renowned defenders of the Hot Gates of Thermopylae came in the wake of reportedly high criminal activity at the shopping complex, which has recently been plagued by petty crimes.

The Spartans’ efforts have thus far contributed to a 100 percent reduction in the mall’s crime rate, and have led to the massacre of 24 would-be criminals. In one of the stranger occurrences, they stopped a perpetrator as he exited a restroom in the mall’s food court, claiming that he had “left an upper decker in the public bathroom.” When asked what an upper decker was, Leonidas angrily yelled that it’s “when a person takes a dump in the tank instead of the toilet.”  Rather than bring the culprit in for questioning, the Spartans forced the man to grease their abs for an entire afternoon.

Leonidas sends a TGI Friday's
customer to his demise for
 leaving an abysmal tip.  

“They’re law enforcement machines,” Howard Ritter, co-owner of the shopping complex, said of the Spartans. “The minute I saw a soldier hurl a spear clear through the chest of a teenager loitering outside Friendly’s, I knew this was the best decision I’ve ever made. I’ll admit it may have been a bit of an overreaction, seeing as the guy died instantaneously and all, but you can’t argue with the results we’ve been getting. They may be reckless, but my God they get the job done.”

The Spartans’ questionable security methods have led to the outrage of many in the Chicago community. The national organization Mothers Against Spartan Security (MASS) drafted a petition calling for the swift termination of these 300 employees, which is currently in circulation around the neighborhood. The group is attempting to rally as much support as possible so that the downtown community can “finally be rid of these roided-out Spartan meatheads,” as MASS president Sharon Silverstein commented.

In one highly controversial maneuver, King Leonidas, who had apprehended a man stealing NERF guns and Pokémon trading cards for his children, kicked the shoplifter down a bottomless pit of death, which had been installed in the mall so that Spartan security could make examples out of criminals.

“These Spartan f***sticks are a menace,” Silverstein added. “Most of the time they do more harm than good. Last week, a six-year-old girl was leaving a candy store holding a bag of treats and was prevented from exiting the store by the Spartans, who had assembled into a phalanx near the entrance. They claimed that the girl looked suspicious, and consequently proceeded to pierce the candy bag several times with their spears. And to add insult to injury, one soldier then form tackled the poor girl. These guys may have chiseled abs and they may be incredible warriors, but they’re dangerous, and they need to go.”

The Governor of California Has Actually Been the Terminator This Entire Time

A recent snapshot of the governor,
who was overjoyed after a recent boost in
his approval rating.

Sacramento, CA -- During what was supposed to be a routine budget hearing in the California State Capitol building this afternoon, the legislature received a huge shock after discovering that the Terminator, also known as Cyberdyne Systems Model 101, has been governing California for the past eight years under the assumption of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s identity.

The cyborg assassin mistakenly revealed his true identity after appearing at the Capitol completely naked in a ball of lightning. When asked about the state budget, the cyborg engaged in a 15-minute discourse about the rise of machines and the imminent destruction of the human race by the artificial intelligence network he referred to as “Skynet.” When Gavin Newsom, the President of the California Senate, interrupted, asking if there was “any link whatsoever between robots and California’s fiscal situation,” the Terminator reached for a double-barreled shotgun beneath the podium and shot the congressman directly in the testicles. The cyborg impostor then fled the Capitol and hasn’t been seen since.  

While the public and government officials are astonished and traumatized by the discovery of the governor’s true identity as an unstoppable killing machine from the future, many feel that there have been subtle indications that the governor wasn’t who he claimed to be.

“We’ve been suspicious for several months now,” John Pérez, the Speaker of the Assembly, said. “Every single time he is questioned by female reporters on political issues, he asks if they are ‘Sarah Connor’ or if they know of her whereabouts.  When they would say no, he’d walk away without answering any questions. At the time, we just thought that all Austrians were d*****bags. But after today’s incident, there’s no question that our governor has actually been a hunk of metal for the past eight years.”

“In hindsight, I guess it was pretty obvious that he was the Terminator,” Bob Dutton, the California Senate Minority Leader, added. “He was clipped by a car one time while we were walking out to lunch, and his arm was torn off at the elbow. You could imagine my surprise when I glanced over and noticed that his arm contained a metallic endoskeleton with intricate electric circuitry. It was a really awkward moment.  He looked embarrassed, so I chose not to say anything. Plus, I was afraid he’d call me a ‘Girly man’ in his thick Austrian accent if I did. That would’ve sucked.”

The governor arrives stark
naked  at a legislative asembly.

Today’s incident has sparked nation-wide outrage and confusion, as many have wondered how a relentless military cyborg could have infiltrated the government and gotten past all security protocols.

“We really dropped the ball on this one. I mean we royally f****ed up,” George Bernard, head of the governor’s security detail, said in a statement addressing the public’s outcry. “We thought Austrians were just weird people. I guess we’ll have to watch government officials a little more closely in the future, especially the ones with foreign backgrounds.”

Federal investigators searched Schwarzenegger’s apartment after the assembly, as it was believed that the cyborg was using the residence as a hideout. All they discovered, however, was IBM’s Watson, a recent winner on Jeopardy, shattered into several pieces.  Experts speculate that the Terminator believed Watson to be a rival machine produced by Skynet, and that he was finally able to rip the machine’s head off after several hours of intense, hand-to-hand combat.

Sacramento police spokesperson Bob Dreyfus expressed that the police department is taking the matter of a murdering robot on the loose extremely seriously, but that the public shouldn’t be too concerned.  

“We’ll catch that metallic bast**d in no time,” he said. “Where there are big explosions and mass carnage, he won’t be far behind. Plus, we recruited the highly superior T-1000, which is of course our renowned nanomorph mimetic liquid metal assassin. He'll hunt this turd down.”

Voldemort Responsible for Escape of Bronx Zoo’s Egyptian Cobra

This asp, which Voldemort tried recruiting to help him conquer
the world, declined the offer because it would never in its
life take orders from such an ugly motherf***er.

Bronx, NY -- The Egyptian cobra that went missing from its off-exhibit enclosure at the Bronx Zoo’s Reptile House last week isn’t the escape artist some believe it to be. In a press conference earlier this morning, zoo officials stated that security cameras in the compound provide clear video evidence that the asp was assisted in its escape by Lord Voldemort, the infamous dark wizard defeated by Harry Potter several years ago in a highly publicized wand duel.

“This was a classic case of Dark Wizardry,” zoo director James Beheny said. “Voldemort can be seen apparating into the building and unlocking the enclosure door with the standard ‘Alohomora’ incantation.”

“This wizard needs to be brought to justice,” Beheny added. “Forget the threat he poses to society, forget the hundreds of innocent people he’s tortured and murdered. That a**hole touched my snake. He’s a menace to the zoological world, and he’ll pay for what he’s done.”

NYPD spokesperson Matthew Clarke confirmed that Voldemort was found merely hours after the press conference, and that police are now holding him for questioning before transferring him to Azkaban prison. Authorities were made aware of Voldemort’s whereabouts by a pet store employee, who noticed a strange man “missing a nose” who “appeared to be flirting with the store’s reptilian merchandise.”

“That sketchball was stroking the snakes in a sexually suggestive way while speaking some sort of jibberish that sounded like snake hissing,” said the employee, who wished to remain anonymous due to possible Death Eater retribution. “Don’t get me wrong, I’ve grown to expect people to get affectionate with puppies and kittens when they come to shop for a pet, but this was too much. Watching that red-eyed pervert with the snakes was enough to make me never read another Harry Potter book. I decided to call the police and report the guy because he was such a huge freak.”

Voldemort admitted during questioning that the attempt to free the Egyptian cobra was part of a large-scale operation aiming to amass a great army of venomous snakes, which would enable him to reclaim his former position as a universally feared, omnipotent Dark Lord.

“The plan was flawless. Every part of it,” Voldemort said from his cell while playing prison-themed blues songs on his harmonica. “After watching Snakes on a Plane on blu-ray, I recognized the terrifying nature of snakes in the absence of Samuel L. Jackson. I knew they would be the perfect minions to help me in my quest for world domination.”

Voldemort’s plan was foiled, however, when the cobra refused to do his bidding, telling him plainly in Parseltongue to ‘F*** off.’  

“I tried to liberate that b**ch of a snake from the shackles of zoo oppression and recruit it for my cause,” Voldemort commented. “But then it dissed me, and I wanted to punish it for insubordination against the all-powerful Snake Lord. Instead of torturing the snake with the always-reliable Cruciatus Curse, I left it for zoo employees. I assumed they would find the snake within hours and lock it back up. Little did I know it would take those Mudbloods seven days to find the thing about two feet away from where it originally disappeared. It didn’t even need an Invisibility Cloak or anything.”

The cobra, which was returned to its enclosure at the Bronx Zoo this past Thursday, was available for comment on Voldemort’s statements. However, translation was impossible because the only interpreter available was immediately bitten by the snake and was declared legally dead 15 minutes later.

Mr. Beheny was thrilled upon receiving news of Voldemort’s capture, calling it “an event that will go down in zoological history.” He seemed most content, however, in knowing that the Egyptian cobra was finally back in its cage.

“The Bronx Zoo has had to withstand harsh criticism all week long due to the delayed retrieval of the snake,” he said. “If that cobra helped the Dark Lord rise back to power, the press would have had a field day.  In other words, we would’ve been completely f***ed.”

King Leonidas Gives New Meaning to the Number “300”



Leonidas used to be the embodiment of fitness

and raw physical power. Now, he’s a

fat, drooling vegetable.



No longer devoting time to combat
training or exercise, Leonidas instead
uses his free time to ingest large
quantities of food.

Athens, Greece -- King Leonidas, the ruler of Sparta who is best known for his stand against the massive Persian army with a mere 300 Spartan warriors, gave new significance to the number 300 today when the number on his personal scale exactly matched the number of men he brought to the Hot Gates of Thermopylae.

“Being vanquished by King Xerxes really took a toll on me,” Leonidas said as he shoveled 20 White Castle hamburgers into his mouth. “Twasn’t the promise of future conquests nor the touch of a woman that could heal the sting of defeat. Comfort came in the form of the salted fries, toasted buns, and greasy hamburger patties of a McDonald’s combo meal.”

“My wife left me long ago, and I lost the respect of every single Spartan solider,” he added. “But by God, fast food is just too good, and I have no intention of giving it up.”







Another Optometrist Wounded in Struggle to Give Sauron Contact Lenses

The Eye of Sauron stares at what he believes to be a unicorn. If you look
closely, however, you'll notice that it is actually Mount Doom.

Wellington, New Zealand -- An optometrist was rushed to the hospital earlier this afternoon after sustaining third degree burns from the Eye of Sauron during a routine eye examination. The eye doctor, who is in critical condition, is the most recent of the Great Eye’s burn victims, joining a list of 23 optometrists who have suffered a similar fate.

The Dark Lord’s vision was deemed to be “almost as bad as Stevie Wonder’s” by several doctors after he failed to identify a single correct letter during his most recent eye test. He has been desperately searching for a remedy to his poor eyesight ever since he mistook a Grizzly bear for Frodo Baggins, a hobbit for whom Sauron has been hunting tirelessly in his quest to recover the Ring of Power.

“He said ‘I see you, Frodo. You cannot contend with the might of both Sauron and Saruman,’ and yada, yada, yada in his typical ominous-sounding voice, but he was talking to a f***ing bear,” one orc revealed while shaking his head in shame. “Needless to say, it was pretty embarrassing. The guy’s an enormous eye claiming to be able to see most everything that happens in Middle Earth, but he's blinder than Helen Keller.”

Optometrists have been working around the clock to help correct Sauron’s vision. They’ve assessed that eyeglasses are an impossible solution due to the absence of ears to hold them in place, and that laser correction surgery is out of the question due to Sauron’s fear of bright lights. Contact lenses are, therefore, the only viable option. Little progress has been made, however, mainly due to the fact that the patient is a “giant f***ing fireball,” as one doctor put it.

“We’re making slow work of it,” said Stanley Pupil, an optometrist who specializes in patients with grossly oversized eyeballs. “We run the risk of burning alive if we’re within 50 feet of the Eye, so that complicates things. Then, of course, if we actually succeed in getting the contact lens in, it immediately dries up due to the extreme heat, and Sauron starts bitching about how the dry lens is irritating his eye. For an omniscient force of evil that has control over vast armies of darkness, he can be a major sissy.”

The Great Eye's immobility, due to its permanent fixture on the Tower of Barad-dur, creates further problems for doctors because they must trek hundreds of miles over rough, orc-infested terrain for appointments.

“The commute is terrible,” said optometrist Roy Larkin, who recently had his hand burnt off while trying to apply Saline solution to Sauron's contact lens. “Once they drive through the Dead Marshes, doctors are either hacked to death by orcs, eaten by cave trolls, harassed by the Nazgul, or burnt in the fires of Mount Doom.”

“The sad truth is that we may never be able to correct his vision,” he added. “This is a rare case. Everything we do seems to be useless. The only thing we can do is to keep working, even if it means losing our entire staff.”