Spartan Warriors Hired as Mall’s New Security Detail

The mall's new security force forms a phalanx in preparation of an
attack against a man taking too many free samples at the food court.

Chicago, IL -- Downtown Chicago, meet the Spartans. Owners of an upscale shopping mall in the city’s downtown area shocked the public early last week after hiring 300 Spartan warriors as the mall’s new security detail, an immense increase from the eight unarmed security guards of the previous staff. The decision to employ the renowned defenders of the Hot Gates of Thermopylae came in the wake of reportedly high criminal activity at the shopping complex, which has recently been plagued by petty crimes.

The Spartans’ efforts have thus far contributed to a 100 percent reduction in the mall’s crime rate, and have led to the massacre of 24 would-be criminals. In one of the stranger occurrences, they stopped a perpetrator as he exited a restroom in the mall’s food court, claiming that he had “left an upper decker in the public bathroom.” When asked what an upper decker was, Leonidas angrily yelled that it’s “when a person takes a dump in the tank instead of the toilet.”  Rather than bring the culprit in for questioning, the Spartans forced the man to grease their abs for an entire afternoon.

Leonidas sends a TGI Friday's
customer to his demise for
 leaving an abysmal tip.  

“They’re law enforcement machines,” Howard Ritter, co-owner of the shopping complex, said of the Spartans. “The minute I saw a soldier hurl a spear clear through the chest of a teenager loitering outside Friendly’s, I knew this was the best decision I’ve ever made. I’ll admit it may have been a bit of an overreaction, seeing as the guy died instantaneously and all, but you can’t argue with the results we’ve been getting. They may be reckless, but my God they get the job done.”

The Spartans’ questionable security methods have led to the outrage of many in the Chicago community. The national organization Mothers Against Spartan Security (MASS) drafted a petition calling for the swift termination of these 300 employees, which is currently in circulation around the neighborhood. The group is attempting to rally as much support as possible so that the downtown community can “finally be rid of these roided-out Spartan meatheads,” as MASS president Sharon Silverstein commented.

In one highly controversial maneuver, King Leonidas, who had apprehended a man stealing NERF guns and Pokémon trading cards for his children, kicked the shoplifter down a bottomless pit of death, which had been installed in the mall so that Spartan security could make examples out of criminals.

“These Spartan f***sticks are a menace,” Silverstein added. “Most of the time they do more harm than good. Last week, a six-year-old girl was leaving a candy store holding a bag of treats and was prevented from exiting the store by the Spartans, who had assembled into a phalanx near the entrance. They claimed that the girl looked suspicious, and consequently proceeded to pierce the candy bag several times with their spears. And to add insult to injury, one soldier then form tackled the poor girl. These guys may have chiseled abs and they may be incredible warriors, but they’re dangerous, and they need to go.”