Voldemort Responsible for Escape of Bronx Zoo’s Egyptian Cobra

This asp, which Voldemort tried recruiting to help him conquer
the world, declined the offer because it would never in its
life take orders from such an ugly motherf***er.

Bronx, NY -- The Egyptian cobra that went missing from its off-exhibit enclosure at the Bronx Zoo’s Reptile House last week isn’t the escape artist some believe it to be. In a press conference earlier this morning, zoo officials stated that security cameras in the compound provide clear video evidence that the asp was assisted in its escape by Lord Voldemort, the infamous dark wizard defeated by Harry Potter several years ago in a highly publicized wand duel.

“This was a classic case of Dark Wizardry,” zoo director James Beheny said. “Voldemort can be seen apparating into the building and unlocking the enclosure door with the standard ‘Alohomora’ incantation.”

“This wizard needs to be brought to justice,” Beheny added. “Forget the threat he poses to society, forget the hundreds of innocent people he’s tortured and murdered. That a**hole touched my snake. He’s a menace to the zoological world, and he’ll pay for what he’s done.”

NYPD spokesperson Matthew Clarke confirmed that Voldemort was found merely hours after the press conference, and that police are now holding him for questioning before transferring him to Azkaban prison. Authorities were made aware of Voldemort’s whereabouts by a pet store employee, who noticed a strange man “missing a nose” who “appeared to be flirting with the store’s reptilian merchandise.”

“That sketchball was stroking the snakes in a sexually suggestive way while speaking some sort of jibberish that sounded like snake hissing,” said the employee, who wished to remain anonymous due to possible Death Eater retribution. “Don’t get me wrong, I’ve grown to expect people to get affectionate with puppies and kittens when they come to shop for a pet, but this was too much. Watching that red-eyed pervert with the snakes was enough to make me never read another Harry Potter book. I decided to call the police and report the guy because he was such a huge freak.”

Voldemort admitted during questioning that the attempt to free the Egyptian cobra was part of a large-scale operation aiming to amass a great army of venomous snakes, which would enable him to reclaim his former position as a universally feared, omnipotent Dark Lord.

“The plan was flawless. Every part of it,” Voldemort said from his cell while playing prison-themed blues songs on his harmonica. “After watching Snakes on a Plane on blu-ray, I recognized the terrifying nature of snakes in the absence of Samuel L. Jackson. I knew they would be the perfect minions to help me in my quest for world domination.”

Voldemort’s plan was foiled, however, when the cobra refused to do his bidding, telling him plainly in Parseltongue to ‘F*** off.’  

“I tried to liberate that b**ch of a snake from the shackles of zoo oppression and recruit it for my cause,” Voldemort commented. “But then it dissed me, and I wanted to punish it for insubordination against the all-powerful Snake Lord. Instead of torturing the snake with the always-reliable Cruciatus Curse, I left it for zoo employees. I assumed they would find the snake within hours and lock it back up. Little did I know it would take those Mudbloods seven days to find the thing about two feet away from where it originally disappeared. It didn’t even need an Invisibility Cloak or anything.”

The cobra, which was returned to its enclosure at the Bronx Zoo this past Thursday, was available for comment on Voldemort’s statements. However, translation was impossible because the only interpreter available was immediately bitten by the snake and was declared legally dead 15 minutes later.

Mr. Beheny was thrilled upon receiving news of Voldemort’s capture, calling it “an event that will go down in zoological history.” He seemed most content, however, in knowing that the Egyptian cobra was finally back in its cage.

“The Bronx Zoo has had to withstand harsh criticism all week long due to the delayed retrieval of the snake,” he said. “If that cobra helped the Dark Lord rise back to power, the press would have had a field day.  In other words, we would’ve been completely f***ed.”