The Governor of California Has Actually Been the Terminator This Entire Time

A recent snapshot of the governor,
who was overjoyed after a recent boost in
his approval rating.

Sacramento, CA -- During what was supposed to be a routine budget hearing in the California State Capitol building this afternoon, the legislature received a huge shock after discovering that the Terminator, also known as Cyberdyne Systems Model 101, has been governing California for the past eight years under the assumption of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s identity.

The cyborg assassin mistakenly revealed his true identity after appearing at the Capitol completely naked in a ball of lightning. When asked about the state budget, the cyborg engaged in a 15-minute discourse about the rise of machines and the imminent destruction of the human race by the artificial intelligence network he referred to as “Skynet.” When Gavin Newsom, the President of the California Senate, interrupted, asking if there was “any link whatsoever between robots and California’s fiscal situation,” the Terminator reached for a double-barreled shotgun beneath the podium and shot the congressman directly in the testicles. The cyborg impostor then fled the Capitol and hasn’t been seen since.  

While the public and government officials are astonished and traumatized by the discovery of the governor’s true identity as an unstoppable killing machine from the future, many feel that there have been subtle indications that the governor wasn’t who he claimed to be.

“We’ve been suspicious for several months now,” John Pérez, the Speaker of the Assembly, said. “Every single time he is questioned by female reporters on political issues, he asks if they are ‘Sarah Connor’ or if they know of her whereabouts.  When they would say no, he’d walk away without answering any questions. At the time, we just thought that all Austrians were d*****bags. But after today’s incident, there’s no question that our governor has actually been a hunk of metal for the past eight years.”

“In hindsight, I guess it was pretty obvious that he was the Terminator,” Bob Dutton, the California Senate Minority Leader, added. “He was clipped by a car one time while we were walking out to lunch, and his arm was torn off at the elbow. You could imagine my surprise when I glanced over and noticed that his arm contained a metallic endoskeleton with intricate electric circuitry. It was a really awkward moment.  He looked embarrassed, so I chose not to say anything. Plus, I was afraid he’d call me a ‘Girly man’ in his thick Austrian accent if I did. That would’ve sucked.”

The governor arrives stark
naked  at a legislative asembly.

Today’s incident has sparked nation-wide outrage and confusion, as many have wondered how a relentless military cyborg could have infiltrated the government and gotten past all security protocols.

“We really dropped the ball on this one. I mean we royally f****ed up,” George Bernard, head of the governor’s security detail, said in a statement addressing the public’s outcry. “We thought Austrians were just weird people. I guess we’ll have to watch government officials a little more closely in the future, especially the ones with foreign backgrounds.”

Federal investigators searched Schwarzenegger’s apartment after the assembly, as it was believed that the cyborg was using the residence as a hideout. All they discovered, however, was IBM’s Watson, a recent winner on Jeopardy, shattered into several pieces.  Experts speculate that the Terminator believed Watson to be a rival machine produced by Skynet, and that he was finally able to rip the machine’s head off after several hours of intense, hand-to-hand combat.

Sacramento police spokesperson Bob Dreyfus expressed that the police department is taking the matter of a murdering robot on the loose extremely seriously, but that the public shouldn’t be too concerned.  

“We’ll catch that metallic bast**d in no time,” he said. “Where there are big explosions and mass carnage, he won’t be far behind. Plus, we recruited the highly superior T-1000, which is of course our renowned nanomorph mimetic liquid metal assassin. He'll hunt this turd down.”