Ancient Egyptian Mummies Terrorize Capital as 'Book of the Dead' Tops Bestseller Lists

Authorities are becoming suspicious of the unidentified individual
 pictured above, who has been religiously attending every major book signing.

Cairo, Egypt -- As readership of new literary sensation the Book of the Dead has exploded in recent weeks, mass armies of the undead have risen from their tombs and made their way into major Egyptian urban areas, leaving a sea of destruction in their wake and leading many to label the phenomenon as the “11^th plague of Egypt.”

The Book of the Dead, an ancient Egyptian funerary text of magical spells intended to guide the deceased through the underworld and into the afterlife, has surged ahead of Fifty Shades of Grey to the number one spot atop the New York Times, USA Today, and Barnes and Noble bestseller lists, and even received an honorable mention from Oprah’s Book Club. Despite its recent success, however, readers of the book have inadvertently caused several-thousand-year-old mummified corpses to emerge from their sarcophagi and prey on humans, using their bodily organs to regenerate.

“Half of our population have had their vital organs consumed by undead mummies. They’re starting to become a bit of a nuisance,” Mohammed Mursi, the newly elected Egyptian president, said in a televised statement. “They’re sucking the flesh and intestines straight out of people like juice from a straw, breeding hordes of brainwashed minions to do their evil bidding and wandering aimlessly around the city, not to mention they smell worse than a cafeteria bathroom after an all-you-can-eat buffet of sloppy joes.”

“That being said, the Book of the Dead has changed my life,” Mursi added.  

The Book of the Dead, pictured here,
can unleash the powers of the
underworld upon the earth.
However, the book is "just so
goddamn good," people can't
help themselves.

Aside from a desire to return to their pre-mummified human forms, the creatures appear hell-bent on reviving mummy bombshell Anck-su-Namun, best known for her spreads in Hamunaptra’s annual “Best of the Dead” calendar, and glorified by most male cadavers as their one true love.

One mummy, so consumed by his love for the bandaged beauty, exclaimed, “AAARRRGGGG OOOOOOGGGG AANNNCCKK-SUUUU-NNAMMUNNN BBBBAAAAAAAAA,” which, according to an on-site translator, before his brains were sucked from his skull, means: “For a dead chick, Anch-su-Namun is a f*cking babe.  Let’s just say I’m ready to make woopie. ”

The burning passion to sleep with Anck-su-Namun has heightened an already dangerous situation, as people unable to produce details of Ms. Namun’s whereabouts become victims of violent frustration. In one particularly gruesome report, a mummy kneed a man square in the testicles, then, realizing he’d probably need a sex organ to “do the nasty” with Ms. Namun, ripped the man’s genitals from his body.

“Now some bandaged freak is hobbling around with my balls and shaft,” the victim, Mohammed el-Bariah, said. “My wife is going to kill me.”

The mummy infestation stems from book publishers, who, after “exhausting virtually every viable story idea we had,” according to one industry executive, turned to the Book of the Dead as a last resort. The book was an instant hit, making publishing companies mountains of cash as it sat atop bestseller lists for weeks, and prompting them to publish translations of the funerary text in virtually every language to take advantage of its seemingly universal appeal.

What looks like a mob of fans lined up for a Justin Bieber
 concert is actually hundreds of unruly Book of the Dead
 junkies waiting outside a book store to pick up their
pre-ordered copies.

“What can I say? It sells,” said another exec as the reporters around him were having their faces eaten off for regeneration. “We knew the risks, the worldwide calamities it would cause, yada yada yada … But you have to look at it from our perspective. We’re just trying to make a little money.”

Publishers have come under fire, however, to discontinue publication indefinitely as the death toll mounts. But industry moguls, emboldened by profits “larger than the Pharaoh’s army of Hebrew slaves,” are refusing, prompting the international community to promote the release of the golden Book of Amun-Ra, known as the “Book of the Living,” as a countermeasure.

Die-hard fans are outraged by the call to get rid of the Book of the Dead, and have been picketing outside major publishing houses day and night alongside several mummies who support their cause.  When asked what they liked about the book, the fans and mummies mindlessly chanted “Immmhoooteppp” before savagely murdering a team of reporters.

Imhotep, the primary beneficiary of the Book of the Dead’s recent surge in popularity, stated, “I couldn’t be happier with the way the book’s been flying off the shelves. This way, I can forge an undead army, bang Anck-Su-Namun, murder Rick O’Connell’s family, and rule the earth. I’m ecstatic!”