Edward, Jacob Claim Bella is ‘Lame’, Abandon Eternal Fight to win her Heart

Jacob (left) and Edward (right) contemplate their good looks
while Bella attempts to change her facial expression.



Forks, WA -- After years of fighting and mutual hatred, the everlasting battle between Edward Cullen and Jacob Black to win the heart of Bella Swan has finally come to an end due to their sheer disinterest in further pursuing a relationship with the human girl. The vampire and werewolf announced their decision to cease the ongoing conflict earlier today, claiming that their loss of passion stemmed from Bella’s “extreme lameness.”

“I finally realized that the girl is a complete loser,” Edward said while flossing neck meat out of his fangs. “She’s boring, whiny, and needs constant protection. Not to mention she’s practically emotionless. A guy can only put up with a girl who never smiles for so long, you know? I may have seen a hint of a smile once, but I think she was just trying to hold back a sneeze.”

Jacob noted reasons similar to Edward’s for falling out of love with Bella, calling her a “blank slate” and a “frigid bitch who enjoys whoring herself to various supernatural beings for fun.”

“She never once commented on my chiseled abs,” Jacob added as he ripped his shirt off to expose his rippling muscles and perfectly tanned body. “Not once. And that’s pretty hard to do. I mean, check out this rock-hard bod, for Christ’s sake! There was a day not too long ago when I just happened to be shirtless while playing a sweaty game of football with a few werewolf friends. She walked by and failed to compliment me again. She was dead to me after that. Definitely not worth the hassle anymore. And let’s face it, I can get any girl that I want.”

Even Bella’s mother couldn’t help commenting on the lameness of her daughter and applauded the decision of the vampire and werewolf to move on.

“Bella’s always been a huge weirdo,” Mrs. Swan said. “Why do you think we got her to move to Washington to live with her dad in the first place? I wanted to beat myself over the head with the nearest blunt object every time she was around, she was so goddamn dull.”

News of the pair’s decision to walk away from Bella has pacified a public divided between the support of “Team Edward” and “Team Jacob.” The seemingly meaningless conflict between the pro-vampire and pro-werewolf factions has actually led to heated arguments among teenage girls in the past, often culminating in bloodshed. In one of the most widely publicized demonstrations, a thirteen-year-old girl believing Jacob to be Bella’s true soul mate organized a mob of fellow supporters to march on Cullen’s home with the intent of executing the vampire in a satanic ritual. However, the girl’s parents were able to disband the mob, consisting mostly of pre-adolescent females, by threatening to hide her copy of Twilight.

Today, with the dispute over and people no longer having to choose between the two hunks, hundreds of thousands have gathered all over the country to celebrate the end of this historic rivalry.

Eighteen-year-old Leroy Palmer, a resident of Forks, Washington, Bella’s hometown, is among those taking part in the festivities.  

“Are you kidding!” Palmer exclaimed when asked who he supported before the end of the eternal fight for Bella’s love. “I don’t give a rat’s ass about Edward or Jacob. I’m only here because my girlfriend made me come.”

Bella, contrary to public response, was visibly unaffected by the whole ordeal. When asked how she felt about losing the affection of the two supernatural beings, who had repeatedly declared their undying love for her and risked their lives several times to protect her from drowning, being crushed under a van, sexual assault, and countless vampire attacks, Bella could only respond by saying, “Huh? Oh…whatever.”

In the aftermath of the timeless battle to win Bella’s love, Edward appeared to have mixed feelings about the situation. While overjoyed that he would no longer have to worry about attempted executions by teenage girls, he couldn’t help but feel regret for his infatuation with such an “uber lame” person for so long.

“I cannot BELIEVE that I tried to commit suicide over this girl,” Edward said. “She f***ing blows.”