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| Hank, an Uruk-Hai, overcome with joy while playing with a child at Adopt-A-Kid. |
New York, NY -- Adopt-A-Kid, a child adoption center in Brooklyn, NY, shocked the public this week upon the hire of an Uruk-Hai who recently renounced his devotion to Sauron and the conquest of Middle Earth.
“Ever since I was pulled out of the mud, I knew I was different,” said the Uruk Hai, who now prefers to go by his human name, Hank. “All that talk of killing Halflings really put me off. Plus, I was constantly ridiculed for not wanting to eat maggoty bread. I finally tendered my resignation to the Eye of Sauron and left Mordor for good in search of a better life.”
Hank’s search brought him all the way to Brooklyn, where he went door to door to find available employment opportunities.
“I’d always heard that New York is a city of opportunity,” Hank said. “But I was turned away from every store, sometimes rather harshly. I recall a lot of horrified screams and shouts of ‘Out of my store, ugly!’ Some people even condemned me for kidnapping Merry and Pippin. I was about ready to give up.”
Going to Adopt-A-Kid was a big turning point in the Uruk-Hai’s quest to find employment. Meredith Morningside, the adoption center’s Head of Operations, let him into the building, an improvement from prior experiences, and granted him an interview.
“I must admit, I was hesitant to offer him the job at first merely for the sake of the children’s safety,” Morningside said. “When someone lists ‘Manflesh’ as an interest and ‘Devoted servant of Sauron’ as a prior job description on his resume, it’s a little off-putting. But he was such a sweetie when I interviewed him that I knew we just had to make him a part of the team.”
Marcus Bigcat, the center’s cafeteria worker, shares Morningside’s enthusiasm about their newest addition to the staff.
“The children absolutely love him,” Bigcat said. “They think he’s some sort of clown due to the face paint and funny costume. Little do they know that the face paint is actually the White Hand of Saruman and that his loincloth and armor are just a part of his daily wardrobe.”
Despite the staff’s warm welcome, outsiders view an Uruk-Hai as a threat to the orphaned children and are calling for Hank’s swift termination and expulsion from the community.
“We have to remember that this guy willingly did the Great Eye’s bidding for years and years before coming here,” said Gimli, a dwarf from Middle Earth who also recently moved to Brooklyn. “I’ve fought against these guys in the past, and let me tell you, they suck. Bad-tempered, evil ogres, the lot of them. Plus they smell like horse manure. I can only imagine what those poor children at Adopt-A-Kid will have to endure while that brute is there.”
While there is strong criticism against Hank’s employment at Adopt-A-Kid, proponents note the dramatic increase in the center’s adoption rate as a result of his addition to the staff, saying that more orphans are now finding loving families to care for them.
Brittany Forrester is one such mother who adopted a six-year-old girl from Adopt-A-Kid upon hearing that an Uruk-Hai was now working for the center.
“My husband and I had been talking about the possibility of adoption, although not too seriously,” Forrester said. “But once we found out that monster was going to be around those poor children, our disposition completely changed. We knew we had a duty to save at least one of them from that minion of Mordor.”
Even in the midst of this controversy, however, Hank still retains a positive attitude.
“I never had a father, seeing that I was pulled out of the mud at birth and all,” he said. “I know the pain that comes with a parent-less life. I’m happy to avoid eating these children and am ready to do my part to make their lives a little brighter.”
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