Black Eyed Peas Blame Imperius Curse for Poor Super Bowl Halftime Performance

The Black Eyed Peas under the influence of dark magic.

Arlington, TX -- After a week of harsh criticism from fans and critics alike, the Black Eyed Peas are now blaming their poor performance on professional football’s greatest stage on dark magic. The renowned hip-hop group of the Muggle world claims to have been under the Imperius Curse, one of the three Unforgivable Curses which places the victim under complete control of the spell caster.

“It had to have been the Imperius Curse, it just had to,” Fergie said. “There’s just no other logical explanation. I typically sing really well. But when I sang ‘Sweet Child of Mine’ I felt like Ke$ha trying to sing anything. Fingernails on a blackboard kind of stuff. Plus, why would I willingly rub my body all over Slash onstage in front of millions of people? That so wouldn’t be Fergalicious.”

Black Eyed Peas member will.i.am seemed equally upset with the Tron-themed performance.

“As a self-respecting musician, why would I wear a plastic hairpiece without having been forced to do so?” he asked. “The Imperius Curse is the only explanation.”

Although authorities have not yet identified the perpetrator, they suspect Draco Malfoy to be the mastermind behind the whole affair. Shortly after graduating from Hogwarts, Malfoy and a group of Slytherin colleagues, including his cronies Crabbe and Goyle, decided to try their luck in the recording industry, creating a boy band called the Parseltongue Posse with Malfoy as the group’s front man. Critics regard the band as one of the worst in history due to lackluster vocal skills of group members and incomprehensible lyrics, sung only in Parseltongue (the language of the serpents), which leave many in the awkward position of having to guess at the meaning of the songs.

Draco Malfoy serenading
himself in a garden.

“They claim to draw their musical inspiration from Savage Garden,” one critic said. “I think that basically says it all.”

Despite universal criticism of the Parseltongue Posse, the group was a contender for the Super Bowl halftime slot this year. It was thought that a Death-Eater boy band would draw a record number of viewers and that the show couldn’t possibly be any worse than The Who’s performance last year. However, the halftime bid eventually went to the Black Eyed Peas.

“Fergie has sex appeal,” a spokesman for the NFL said. “Unfortunately for Malfoy, he got slapped by the ugly stick. Plus, he helped kill Dumbledore, and that’s f***ed up. The sad truth is that if you’re going to be the leader of a boy band, especially one that’s playing at the Super Bowl halftime show, you have to be good-looking. Look at Justin Timberlake and Nick Carter. They were hunks.”

Malfoy reportedly lashed out violently upon hearing that the Parseltongue Posse lost out to the Black Eyed Peas, casting spells aimlessly around a group of girl scouts trying to sell macaroons to fund their trip to Space Camp, the result of which was the gluing of one girl’s face to her buttocks. His violent reaction to the news gives authorities reason to suspect him for casting the Imperius Curse to adversely affect Fergie and company.

“Sure I may not have reacted in the best manner possible,” Malfoy said as he gelled his Mohawk before a benefit concert at a local Chili’s. “But I love the Black Eyed Peas. ‘Where Is the Love’ is my second most-played song on iTunes, behind Savage Garden’s ‘Truly Madly Deeply.’ I would never use the Imperius Curse against them.”

The criminal behind the Imperius Curse, whether Malfoy or not, is sure to face some serious jail time. The punishment for the use of the Imperius Curse against another human earns the perpetrator a life sentence in the wizard prison Azkaban, according to Ministry of Magic doctrine.

“It’s a particularly nasty curse,” a Dementor at Azkaban commented as he reclined in a lawn chair and sucked the soul out of an unsuspecting prisoner. “You’d have to be a real douche to use it. The most recent incident I can think of involving the Imperius Curse and Muggle celebrities is when it was used on Lance Bass to make him come out of the closet.” 

While authorities seem to be building a strong case against Malfoy, they still aren’t convinced of the veracity of the Imperius Curse explanation. The celebrated Muggle musician Usher claims that he didn’t feel the effects of any spell while onstage, leaving some to claim that the Black Eyed Peas used dark magic as an excuse to cover up their lack of talent. If this were found to be the case, it would certainly be as anti-Fergalicious as rubbing oneself on Slash, as Fergie put it.