Harry Potter Fired for Sexual Harassment of Coworker

London, UK -- Harry Potter, the internationally acclaimed wizard best known for his defeat of the infamous Lord Voldemort, was fired this morning from his mailroom job at a large meatpacking company due to sexual harassment of a female coworker.

“It was awful, really traumatizing,” the woman, who wished to remain anonymous, said of Potter’s advances. “We were in the middle of packaging a big shipment of boar heads for distribution, and then all of a sudden he got really close and whispered into my ear, ‘Touch my Nimbus 2000.’”

These sexual harassment allegations are apparently only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to Potter’s corporate misdemeanors.

“We’ve had a lot of problems with him in the past,” said Yoda, a spokesman for the company, as he used the Force to apply an Olay anti-wrinkle cream to his green face. “Enough is enough already. He may be the reigning Triwizard champion, but the guy’s a total creep.”

There have been two other incidents involving Potter and sexual harassment around the office in the past, as well as one isolated incident in which Potter was caught trying to stuff Hedwig, his pet owl, down his pants, Yoda added. He refused to provide specifics about these separate incidents, but did say that the only reason Potter was allowed to stay with the company for so long was due to his continuous defeats of the Dark Lord.  

“Everyone thought he might change for the better, but that bugger’s got some serious issues,” a Stormtrooper who worked with Potter in the mailroom said as he brandished his imperial laser gun. “He was always ranting about how his scar burned and that Voldemort was back to kill him. But the idiot’s work station was right under a heat lamp we use to keep the mailroom warm. He’s bonkers! Plus, he reeked of stale butter beer.”

Members of the wizard community are particularly troubled by the news of Potter’s sexual deviancy.

“He used to be a symbol of hope in the fight against evil, a beacon of light shining through the darkness of our times” said Albus Dumbledore, the former Hogwarts headmaster and mentor of Potter who now resides at a nudist colony in Scotland. “Come to find out the bloke’s just a pervert with a lightning-shaped scar looking for a little slap and tickle.”

While many feel as if Potter has let them down, those close to him claim that his recent behavior didn’t surprise them.

“I guess there have been hints,” said Hermione Granger, one of Potter’s closest friends. “He told me one time that I’d make a good Seeker on the Quidditch team because he supposed I’d be good at handling the balls. I didn’t really think anything of it at the time. In hindsight, he’s a sick f***.”

Severus Snape, Potter’s former Potions professor who currently holds a post as a traffic cop in London, felt that this was a long time coming.

“Potter’s never had any regard for the rules,” Snape said while firing an Unforgivable Curse at a parking violator. “He’s always been a little ass monkey.”

Whether there were past indications or not, what is clear is that this news couldn’t come at a worse time for the wizarding community, which has had to endure harsh criticisms after it was revealed last week that Hogwarts, thought to be an elite school of witchcraft and wizardry, is actually a massive drug factory at the center of England’s drug distribution network, labeled by many as the worst scandal since the Hippogriff Extermination of 1989.

Potter’s termination brought his eight-year employment with the company to an end. In that time period, Potter was never promoted or given a pay raise due to his disorderly conduct.

It’s rumored that Potter is attempting to flee to Mexico to avoid any public backlash for his actions, where he intends to use his bullfighting skills to make a decent living.