Darth Vader Retires, Moves to Florida

 

Darth Vader enjoys retirement with his
fourteenth Heineken of the afternoon.

Palm Springs, FL -- Darth Vader, the former Sith Lord of the Galactic Empire, announced his retirement from the International House of Pancakes last week at the age of 62. The longtime manager is now residing at a secluded retirement community in Florida.

“It was a good run, but I felt it was time,” Vader said between sips of his peppermint schnapps as he sunbathed by the pool. “Pancakes are a thing of the past. I’m ready to live it up.”

Vader says that he’ll take advantage of his retirement to do all of the things he missed out on while in the working world, such as shuffleboard and water aerobics. 

“Working on my tan is my number one priority, though,” Vader said as he adjusted his Speedo. “The one thing I regret about my years on the Dark Side is wearing that black Imperial armor all the time. I know it’s a good tool of intimidation and a symbol of power and all that hogwash, but a man can get really pasty under a suit like that.”

Lord Vader strolls along the
sandy beaches of Palm Springs.

Some residents of Golden Prunes, the retirement community where Vader now lives, welcome the idea of having a Sith Lord in their community.

“It’s the most exciting thing that’s happened to me since they added creamed corn to the menu last week,” said Leonard Ruffleburger, an 88-year-old community member.

It’s clear that others, however, don’t share the same optimism for Vader’s presence.

“He asked me to apply suntan lotion to his back at the pool one day and I refused,” said Ruth Barnswallow, another resident of Golden Prunes.  “He held up his hand and started using the Force to choke me from about fifteen feet away. I thought I was going the way of the Dodo! And afterwards all he could do was laugh about it. Needless to say, I’m never inviting him over for apple strudel.”

After the fall of the Galactic Empire, which toppled Vader’s regime, he fell into obscurity, borrowing Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak in an attempt to escape the public eye. His retirement marks the first time he’s been a major topic of conversation since he tried to seize control of a local Veterans of Foreign Wars (VFW) headquarters building almost fifteen years ago. His lightsaber skills had drastically worsened due to lack of practice after the fall of his empire, so the senior citizens were able to hold their ground. He was hospitalized after being caned to within an inch of his life.

“He didn’t know who he was anymore,” Jabba the Hutt, Vader’s friend and official biographer, said while feeding one of his publishers to the Rancor Beast. “He lost his identity as a Sith Lord after his reign ended. He tried to reinvent himself, but after all those years he just couldn’t quench his thirst for domination, hence the VFW fiasco.”

Vader seemed to adopt a peaceful civilian life after his cane wounds healed. He shuffled from job to job for a while, first as an elementary school custodian and then as a flight attendant for Jet Blue before finally settling in at his most recent job as a manager at IHOP.

“You’d be surprised how many small children and airline passengers have problems with a man wearing a black imperial suit,” Vader said with tear-filled eyes. “There were so many complaints that I had to step down. What I truly desired anyway was a seat of real power, but most recruiters really don’t offer many important positions to applicants who have slain Jedi Knights and wielded tyrannical power. IHOP was the only place that gave me a chance to shine.”

There have been many ups and downs in Vader’s life, but he’s excited to begin this new saga of his life as a retired man and put the past behind him.

“I’m trading in my lightsaber for a beach ball and a brewski,” Vader said. “And I couldn’t be more psyched.”