Voldemort, Discovering French Heritage, Embraces Baguette Wand

Voldemort tests the magical fortitude of his new baguette by forcing a
French schoolboy to eat twelve croissants. Bakery owners exclaimed
they've never seen someone so giddy to buy a piece of bread. 

Lord Voldemort, sworn enemy to lightning-scarred whiz kid Harry Potter and considered by many to be the most powerful Dark Wizard in history, has replaced his wooden, Ollivander’s-made wand with a magical Parisian baguette after discovering his name is of French rather than British origin. 

The villainous, snake-whispering Slytherin learned today, courtesy of an offhand comment made on Twitter by author J.K. Rowling, that the name that has instilled dread and unmitigated fear in the hearts of the wizarding community for a generation actually ends in a silent rather than a hard “t.” That led He Who Shall Not Be Named to proclaim that he indeed does have a name, and it is that of a Frenchman.

@Universe_Box One piece of Harry Potter trivia I always forget to mention: the "t" is silent in Voldemort, according to @jk_rowling.

— Michael Lucero (@mhenrylucero) September 9, 2015

... but I'm pretty sure I'm the only person who pronounces it that way. https://t.co/HxhJ5XY5HP

— J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) September 9, 2015

To show solidarity with his countrymen, Tom Marvolo Riddle, as the Dark Lord was known in his youth, ditched his wand made of yew with a phoenix feather core for a long, doughy sheath that had been baked at 350 degrees in an artisanal boulangerie. The baked good, an almost artistic blend of outer crunch and fluffy interior, will henceforth be used as the delivery method for all required Unforgivable Curses.

“My only concern is that by succumbing to hunger, I’ll lose the ability to manipulate the will of others, impose searing, excruciating agony on naysayers, or strike an unsuspecting Mudblood dead with a well-placed Killing Curse,” Lord Voldemort said, while holding wheels of Camembert and Gruyère cheese and pondering which made him look more French.

“But, if I keep the baguette out of its packaging long enough, I can always use it as a bludgeon if all else fails.”

Renowned Jedi Master Uses ‘The Force’ To Produce Galaxy’s Biggest Turd

Luke Skywalker, in the aftermath of his historic bowel movement.

TATOOINE—Celebrated Jedi Master Luke Skywalker today took a break from scheduled intergalactic peacekeeping missions and diplomatic stopovers on alien planets to squat over a toilet bowl and harness the Force to push out what officials have verified as the galaxy’s biggest-ever turd.

Skywalker deposited the five-foot-long, 10-pound monster this morning at his home on the desert planet Tatooine, smashing the Galactic Republic’s previous record of four feet, eight pounds set by notorious crime lord Jabba the Hutt in 1983. Eyewitnesses described the toxic sludge as a "severe water-line breach" that snaked around the bowl several times over and left behind a skid mark not even the most fortuitous Jedi mind could eradicate.

A poster child of the Rebel Alliance, son of notorious Sith Lord Darth Vader, and center fold of this month’s Light Saber Steward magazine, Skywalker called the feat a testament to his unparalleled skill in the ways of the Jedi Order, mastery of training passed down by such luminaries as Yoda and Obi-Wan Kenobi, and the overzealous consumption of five Volcano Burritos, three Crunchy Taco Supremes, and two Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes from Taco Bell.

“Two hours after binge-eating mass quantities of low-grade Mexican food, my stomach let loose a groan louder than a Tauntaun dying from cold on the planet Hoth, and I knew it was on,” the experienced pilot and former moisture farmer said. “Using the ancient Jedi discipline known as Alter, I very carefully manipulated the brown titan until it fully exited my body, which, I might add, took the better part of an hour.”

Underscoring the scope of his historic accomplishment, Skywalker called the bowel movement a task more difficult than navigating the narrow passageways of the Death Star in an X-wing, and lauded the turd as a “foe ten times more formidable than Emperor Palpatine.”

“Now all I need is a plumber as proficient with a plunger as I am with a light saber,” Skywalker said.

Although town officials lamented the overpowering stench emanating from Skywalker’s toilet, which they claim was “worse than a Wookie’s outhouse in July,” the massive dump also gave cause for celebration, the smell reportedly so nauseating it forced the Sand People, a particularly troublesome guerrilla outfit also known as Tusken Raiders, to vacate long-held territory near the Jedi’s domicile.

One Raider, still shell-shocked from the asphyxiating nasal assault, said he’d rather be tossed into the Great Pit of Carkoon and undergo a millennia-long digestion in the stomach of a sarlaac than take a whiff of the “mud monkey” again.

Some of Skywalker’s neighbors described a scene of chaos and pure terror upon inhaling the noxious fumes of the gigantic chocolate banana, many believing it to be a powerful chemical nerve agent unleashed in an apocalyptic fit of retribution by Sith overlords.

“We thought the Dark Side of the Force was to blame. Come to find out, it was just the byproduct of some bean burritos,” one neighbor said.

“A courtesy flush could have saved us a lot of anxiety."